Remove Finland from the European Union

I don’t know about the rest of you but I am increasingly sick and tired of the recent carry on of the Finns. I have tried my best to hold my tongue, but I cannot in good conscience keep silent any longer. The treacherous Finns have been causing trouble all over the place. They have even been suggesting that Greece should be kicked out of the euro. Well, I say: kick Finland out of the euro. Finland is barely even a country. It is just a mobile phone company with a few saunas. So let’s see how many mobile phones they can sell when their new currency appreciates by 5 million percent against every other currency. And Nokia is screwed now anyway since they do not make good smart phones. These arrogant Finns need to be taken down a peg or two. Give the so-called “True Finns” what they want and then let’s see how they get on.

Have you ever met a Finn that you liked? Think about it. Seriously. Think hard. Have you ever met a Finn full stop? The other Scandinavians do not even regard Finland as part of Scandinavia. The Finnish language is of uncertain provenance. Where did this mongrel dialect come from? Nobody knows. Are the Finns really even Europeans? Give the Finns back to Russia and see how they like it.

Ever since Lordy won the Eurovision Song Contest the whole tone of that event has lowered to the point now where it can no longer be taken seriously as a music competition. I blame the Finns. The rot started with them.

In the long run what has Finland got to offer Europe? In this definitive list of 66 beautiful towns of Europe, not a single Finnish town appears. What has Finland contributed to European culture? The composer Sibelius, we are frequently told. If I had a euro for every time I have heard a Finn drone on about the “genius of Sibelius” I would be a rich man. But ask yourself this: if Sibelius is really such a great composer, then why have you and I never heard any of his music?

Who has given more to European civilisation, Greece or Finland? Well, for starters, Greece INVENTED European Civilisation. If Greece had never existed, there would be no Europe; if Finland had never existed, no one in Europe would notice its absence.

The overweening Finns have been demanding collateral for the money they are lending Greece in the bailout. Oh puh-lease! If it wasn’t for the likes of Greece, the Finns would have had no one to sell their surplus mobile phones to in the first place. It’s not Greece’s fault that there is nothing to do in Finland except work really hard making lots of mobile phones to sell to Greece. Nor is it Greece’s fault that there are plenty of fun things to do in sunny Greece that make it seem less necessary to spend all of your time working hard to make mobile phones – especially when you can just get the Finns to do it for you and then buy them with money that you have, in effect, “borrowed” from the Finns with no intention of paying back. Why would the Greeks need to work when they can have such a good time lying on the beaches of beautiful islands or having a riot in Athens? The Finns are basically jealous.

Enough! It was not always like this. In years past, Finland was a country you could respect. It was a country you could believe in. It was a land of hopes and dreams. Who can forget the immortal Monthy Python song eulogising Finland?

Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I want to be,
Pony trekking or camping,
Or just watching TV.
Finland, Finland, Finland.
It's the country for me.

You're so near to Russia,
So far from Japan,
Quite a long way from Cairo,
Lots of miles from Vietnam.

You're so sadly neglected
And often ignored,
A poor second to Belgium,
When going abroad.

Would Monthy Python take the trouble to write such a complimentary song about Finland now, given that country’s recent disgraceful performance?

I doubt it.