BB SAYS: Jealousy is a normal part of healthy relationships – we fear that our partners will meet someone better than us, and have sex with them, or fall in love with them, or run off with them. We fantasise about killing our potential sexual rivals. This is human nature. Your experience of jealousy demonstrates that you love your wife – you don’t want to lose her to another man. This is a good thing.
A READER WRITES: “Dear Brian, I have to travel abroad for long stretches as part of my job. This involves leaving my wife at home in the care of my best friend. My wife isn't from Ireland and so I'm thankful that there are people around to look after her when I'm not there. The problem is that I don't entirely trust my friend. He is a complex character, egotistical, self-absorbed, effeminate and a sexual predator – he’s had a string of girlfriends and possibly children across eastern europe.
Lately I've started to worry that he pays my wife too much attention and this anxiety has started to gnaw away at me. I am sad to say that I am burning with jealousy. Almost every evening when I phone home he happens to be there drinking and eating with her. The last thing I want to do is upset my wife or my friend by giving them the impression that I don't trust them.
So how can I get it across that I'm not comfortable with the present situation in a way that they will understand without causing a ruction? It's 4am where I am right now and I just can't sleep with this problem. I've started to fantasise about taking my friend hiking and pushing him off a cliff. Isn't this an awful way to think? What can I do? desperately yours.”
Personally, your friend does not sound to me like he is a better option for your wife than you are. You work hard and you love your wife. If she has any sense, she will not risk all that for a dalliance with an egotistical, self-absorbed predator. Jealousy has been defined as “Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping”. If your wife runs off with this effeminate fool, then you are better off without her, and you can find someone else. Personally, I do not think she will - she just hangs around with this guy as a way of passing the time when you are not there, but really she wants to be with you.
I would also ask you this question: Why have you chosen this egotistical, self-absorbed, predator as your closest friend? What does that say about you? In general, people choose friends who are similar to them. Good people have good friends. You sound like a good person. Why are you involved with this dreadful specimen?
I read this site every day and comment on a lot of what i see.
ReplyDeleteHowever these comments are censored and generally rejected.
I think that this is a pity as it removes the interactive nature of the site.
Do you have some sort of standard for comments that I'm just not matching up to?
Are there things I should say or not say in order that you accept my comments?
Please let me know - If I'm not going to make it I can look for a philosophy forum elsewhere.
Thanks a lot,
Sheila
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteIf a comment is excessively vulgar or horrible, then it is rejected. Or if the comment will compromise any contributor to the forum, or insult them too much, then it is also rejected. Sorry you feel your comments have been unjustifiably rejected. Maybe you could tone down your comments slightly?
Political Correctness is a disease in my view!
ReplyDeleteYou know people have the right to be offended but in our society we are removing everything we perceive as a possible cause of offense. I think it's much healthier to encourage a free exchange of ideas and if people are offended then allow them to express that.
It is your blog of course and you are entitled to deem what's 'excessively vulgar' but I can't say I'm comfortable with being censored in this way.
Especially considering how you yourself encouraged someone to continue having sex with a dog. Is this not hypocritical?
I'm sure many people who read the post about bestiality found it challenging - I myself was disgusted - but I'd fight for your right to write about it and for my right to be disgusted.
Do you think me unreasonable?
Thanks,
Sheila
You are being reasonable, and I agree with you to a large extent.
ReplyDeleteAs is obvious, there is room for plenty of vulgarity on this site, and plenty of outrageous opinions - both in the posts and the comments. But I don't want the site to become a boring competition to see who can be the most shocking. I don't want it to be entirely vulgar - that would drown out the more moderate voices.