Why are men unfaithful?

A READER WRITES: “I enjoyed your piece on celebrity scandals. But why are so many successful men so unfaithful to their wives e.g. Tiger Woods, Ashley Cole and John Terry? Should women like me stay away from successful men?”

BB SAYS: “A man is only as faithful as his options” – Chris Rock

To women, it can sometimes feel that they need to make a choice between going out with a boring, mediocre guy who will be faithful to them, or a successful, exciting guy who will be unfaithful to them.

But actually you could say that it is even worse than that - there are no shortage of of boring, mediocre guys who will also be unfaithful to you. It’s just that no one writes about them in magazines. So you might as well go off with a successful one if you get the chance. At least then you might have a few thrills in your life.

However, in reality it is not as bad as all that either. We hear about the successful guys who are unfaithful, but we don’t pay any attention to the many who are faithful and well-behaved. So, although the media can make it appear as though all successful men are unfaithful, it’s not entirely true – it’s just that we focus on those ones, because they are more fun to focus on.

But if you are a good judge of character, and are not taken in by superficialities, then, unless you are unlucky, you will probably end up with a guy who will be faithful to you. On the other hand, if you are an idiot, you will in all likelihood end up with a jerk. People tend to get the partner they deserve. Not always, but generally. As James Joyce once said “Always see a man's weakness in his wife”. The same is true of the fairer sex “Spot a woman’s weakness in her husband”.

Celebrity Scandal: Cheryl Cole and Tiger Woods

Apparently Cheryl Cole was spotted in LA without her wedding ring. Rumour has it that her husband’s most recent infidelities were the last straw. In her latest smash hit Cheryl sang:

“We’ve got to fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love –
If it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for.”

Can you spot the key word in that lyric? The key word is “if.” IF it’s worth having THEN it is worth fighting for. But if it’s NOT worth having then it is NOT worth fighting for. So is it worth having? This seems to be the questions that young Cheryl is asking herself at the moment.

In other celebrity gossip, Tiger Woods made a public statement in which he instructed us all that:

“I cheated. What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.” He went on to angrily insist that his wife Elin deserves “praise, not blame”.

Er, memo to Tiger: Nobody is blaming your wife for anything. Everyone is blaming you. Nobody is even remotely suggesting that anyone but you is the person to blame. So what on earth are you on about?

Anyway, the general public find consolation in these celebrity scandals. We think to ourselves: “They may be more beautiful, more wealthy, more successful and more famous than me, but their lives are still a mess”. This makes it easier for us to cope with our own mediocre and modest lives.

But it is true that wealth, beauty and fame are not much use without wisdom. As the great philosopher Spinoza once said:

“He whose honour is rooted in popular approval must, day by day, anxiously strive, act, and scheme in order to retain his reputation. For the populace is variable and inconstant, so that, if a reputation be not kept up, it quickly withers away. Everyone wishes to catch popular applause for himself, and readily represses the fame of others. The object of the strife being estimated as the greatest of all goods, each combatant is seized with a fierce desire to put down his rivals in every possible way, till he who at last comes out victorious is more proud of having done harm to others than of having done good to himself. This sort of honour, then, is really empty, being nothing.”

The Power of Female Beauty celebrated in the Black Eyed Peas’ song “My Humps”

Amongst the most influential celebrations of the power of female beauty in recent art is the Black Eyed Peas’ foot-stomper “My Humps”. For women, their beauty is their power. Men are in a thrall to women because of it – on its account men will do anything, endure anything, suffer any level of humiliation.

All of which raises an interesting feminist question – should women exploit this power to the full? Is that the feminist thing to do? Or is it inherently sexist that women need to rely on this in order to get what they want from life? Should authentic feminists (among whom I count myself) strive to attain a world in which it is not necessary for women to use their beauty in order to get what they want?

It’s a tricky question, and I don’t have all the answers. All I would say to women is: use your beauty wisely.

In the meantime ponder the timeless lyrics of this majestic tune:

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon' do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I'm a make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump (ha), my hump, my hump, my hump (what).
My hump, my hump, my hump (ha), my lovely lady lumps (Check it out)

She's got me spending.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me

Abolish Valentine’s Day (Again)

Last year my call to abolish Valentine’s day was very popular and received widespread support. Or at least that is what I was led to believe at the time. But I note with dismay that Valentine’s Day has not yet been abolished, despite my reasonable demand. This leads me to fear that this website may not have quite the influence and global power I once believed it had. Nevertheless, we shouldn’t let a minor setback like this throw us off course. I am undeterred by this. So, here is the post again:

“No holiday in human history has caused more misery and stress than Valentine’s Day (with the possible exception of Aztec feast days, when priests ripped the beating hearts out of hundreds of terrified captives).

Valentine’s day is an unpleasant day of the year for everyone. It’s an unpleasant day of the year for people who are going out with someone, as they have to set out for an overpriced dinner, and warily compare themselves to other couples in order to see who is most in love. Valentine’s day is also deeply unpleasant for single people. If you go out to a night-club on the weekend before Valentine’s Day, you will see crowds of single people desperately looking to score, so that they might just have a date on the awful day.

It’s common knowledge that Valentine’s day is yet another marketing scam - people get fleeced on flowers, cards and other crap. Now even the anti-Valentine's Day movement has turned into a cliched marketing scam. Valentine’s Day makes people miserable. Abolishing it would increase the sum of human joy and happiness. We should liberate ourselves from the tyrannical hold of this loathsome occasion.”

"My daughter is a lesbian"

A READER WRITES: "I recently discovered to my shock that my daughter is a lesbian. What should I do?"

BB SAYS: You should do nothing. This page is for people who have problems that need to be solved. Your daughter being a lesbian is NOT a problem.

Do YOU have a problem? Leave an anonymous comment, or send your problem in confidence to brianbarrington@gmail.com

Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Woody Allen’s latest film is about two American women, Vicky (Rebecca Hall) and Cristina (Scarlett Johansson), who spend a summer in Barcelona. Many of the film’s themes were previously discussed on this blog.

Vicky is moderate, practical, conventional, cautious and she has definite ideas about what she wants from life and relationships. She has bourgeois tendencies. Her husband-to-be is back in America.

In contrast to Vicky, Cristina is passionate, a dreamer, adventurous, impetuous, artistic, unconventional and is not sure what she wants from life and relationships. She knows what she does not want, but she only has the vaguest ideas of what she wants. She has Bohemian tendencies.

In Barcelona the two women fall in with a local artist, Juan Antonio Gonzalo (Javier Bardem), who tries to seduce them both. Vicky naturally dislikes him, but eventually she sleeps with Juan, discovering that she is not as conventional or cautious as she first supposed. She has erotic longings that she has been trying to suppress. Her impeccably bourgeois fiancé then arrives in Barcelona – and she finds herself terribly bored with him, and falling for the exciting Juan.

Cristina also sleeps with Juan, ends up living with him and having a relationship with him. In a nice twist, the artist’s ex-wife shows up (amusingly played by Penelope Cruz) – she is even crazier than her ex-husband – hard-drinking, moody, hysterical, manipulative, suicidal, chain-smoking, she has previously tried to kill Juan, she is generally nuts. In the end, she seduces Vicky and her ex-husband, and the three of them get involved in a love triangle. Eventually, Cristina discovers that she is not as Bohemian as she thought she was, and that the arrangement does not satisfy her.

At the end of the summer, the Vicky and Cristina go back to the US, and nothing has really changed for them. Vicky is now married to her dreary husband, and Cristina still does not know what she wants from life or relationships. Vicky’s husband is an extreme version of Vicky (practical, conventional etc.) and Juan and his ex-wife are extreme versions of Cristina (passionate, unconventional etc.) The two women represent an attempt to find the Golden Mean between these two extremes, but they fail. The message of the film is: there is no solution to the problem of love, or indeed to the problem of life (where people have to try and find a Golden Mean between being bourgeois and being bohemian). However, unlike Allen’s previous films about the hopelessness of love, such as Husbands and Wives, this film is not bleak or depressing, but manages to remain cheerful throughout. It’s as if Allen is saying: “Yeah, love and life are a pretty hopeless business but let’s not get too depressed about it or anything”.

Abolish Valentine’s Day

No holiday in human history has caused more misery and stress than Valentine’s Day (with the possible exception of Aztec feast days, when priests ripped the beating hearts out of hundreds of terrified captives).

Valentine’s day is an unpleasant day of the year for everyone. It’s an unpleasant day of the year for people who are going out with someone, as they have to set out for an overpriced dinner, and warily compare themselves to other couples in order to see who is most in love. Valentine’s day is also deeply unpleasant for single people. If you go out to a night-club on the weekend before Valentine’s Day, you will see crowds of single people desperately looking to score, so that they might just have a date on the awful day.

It’s common knowledge that Valentine’s day is yet another marketing scam - people get fleeced on flowers, cards and other crap. Now the anti-Valentine's Day movement has turned into a cliched marketing scam. If you want to spend some of your money on the anti-Valentine's Day marketing scam, go here.

Am I being a grumpy kill-joy about this? On the contrary, I firmly believe that Valentine’s Day makes people miserable, and that abolishing it would increase the sum of human joy and happiness. We should liberate ourselves from the tyrannical hold of this loathsome occasion.

Brad Pitt: “I can’t control Angelina”

BRAD PITT WRITES: “Angelina is just too much for me. I can’t control her at all at all. I sometimes even feel that I should have stuck with Jennifer Aniston. She was more needy, and I felt like I had some input into the relationship. What can I do to control this maniac? What would the great philosophers have done?”

BRIAN BARRINGTON, PHILOSOPHICAL COUNSELLOR TO THE STARS, REPLIES: Angelina is a formidable woman. But Brad, if you had stayed with Jennifer you would have been bored with her. Overall, I think you did the right thing. You need a woman who will challenge you.

What would the great philosophers have done in your situation? Well, most of them never married, so it’s hard to say. In fact, it’s doubtful if many of them ever even met a woman. However, Socrates did get married to the notorious shrew Xanthippe, whose nagging ways made his life a misery. Here is a conversation recorded about her:

Anisthenes: 'Why don't you train Xanthippe, instead of having a wife who is of all living women – and I believe of all that ever have been or will be – the most difficult to get on with?'

Socrates: 'Because I notice that people who want to become good horsemen keep not the most docile horses but ones that are high-spirited, because they think that if they can control these, they will easily manage any other horses. In the same way, since I wish to deal and associate with people, I have provided myself with this wife, because I am quite sure that, if I can put up with her, I shall find it easy to get on with any other human being.' This explanation was felt to be not far off the mark.

A man asked Socrates whether he would advise him to marry or not. Socrates replied, 'Whichever you do, you will repent it'. Another man said to Socrates that 'The abusive temper of Xanthippe is intolerable'. Socrates rejoined: 'But I am used to it, just as I should be if I were always hearing the noise of a pulley; and you yourself endure to hear geese cackling.'

So regard Angelina as a wild horse who tests your horsemanship skills. Being with Angelina will make you a stronger, wiser person.

Do YOU have a problem? Leave an anonymous comment, or send your problem in confidence to brianbarrington@gmail.com

“Are women not as funny as men?”

A READER WRITES: "Why is a GSOH important for men but not for women? It seems from observation it could even be a disadvantage for females in the mating game? What do your philosophers or evolutionary psychologists have to advise on this? Should women keep their ironic comments to themselves or at least confine them to their female friends? Perhaps they can give free rein if they are not on the
look-out for a rich authoritative handsome man with a GSOH?"

BB SAYS: Many men do find intelligent, funny women attractive - they especially look for intelligence and wit in prospective long-term partners, because spending your life with a boring simpleton is not much fun. However, there is a good deal of truth in what you say. Female comedians have often noted that their sense of humour does not give them quite the same sexual pull that their male equivalents seem to have. Why not?

From biological point of view, this difference is ultimately explained by our evolutionary history. DNA analysis tells us that today’s human population is descended from twice as many women as men. To get that kind of difference, you had to have something like, throughout the entire history of the human race, maybe 80% of women but only 40% of men reproduced. Most men who ever lived did not have descendants who are alive today. Competition among men for sexual partners was stiffer. In short, in order to attract partners men needed to try and do more to stand out from the crowd. This explains why so many men engage in seemingly irrational, dumb behaviour. It explains why it was so rare for a hundred women to get together and build a ship and sail off to explore unknown regions where they will almost certainly die, whereas men have fairly regularly done such things. On average, men needed to do more showing off than women. Men go to extremes more than women. Being funny is one of numerous ways of trying to show off and saying "Look at me! Please consider having sex with me!"

Now, many men feel threatened by women who are their equal in intelligence and success. But women are, on average, at least as intelligent as men. So what should women do? There are essentially two strategies and most women deploy a combination of both. One strategy is to say "I am going to display my intelligence and wit – and if men don’t like it then that is their problem. I want a man who is strong enough to cope with the fact that I am intelligent and funny". The other strategy consists of women to some extent disguising their intelligence and wit, so as not to appear too threatening to men. The female sense of humour is often more subtle and understated – women often save the savage stuff for their female friends. Their humour often focuses more on witty self-deprecation. These strategies allow women to successfully manipulate men in order to get what they want from life. It’s not that difficult for women to do this because they generally have higher social and emotional intelligence than men.

Most women have a reasonable level of social and emotional intelligence. This is not the case with men. There are far fewer autistic women, for example. And even many men who are not technically autistic display quasi-autistic characteristics. Some people regard autism as simply an extreme version of the male brain. When a woman says she wants a man with a GSOH, she is really saying "I want a man with a reasonable level of social and emotional intelligence. I want a man who is not a social weirdo, because so many of the men I meet are weirdos". Because the vast majority of women have a reasonable level of social and emotional intelligence, there is less need for them to engage in competitive, overt displays of these skills, even if they have them. Put simply: there are far fewer female weirdos. Hence this demand for a GSOH in men – there is a demand for it because emotional and social intelligence is much more scare among men. If you think about it, very few men are in the slightest bit funny - it's just that we all notice the few that are.

In any event, you sound to me like a funny woman who is more than capable of finding a funny partner, with whom you will be able to enjoy sharing each other’s wit and humour.

Ex-boyfriend Plays Games

A READER WRITES: “My ex-boyfriend was some of the best sex I ever had even though I still have issues with the way he had a schedule and put me in a position to ask for sex. At times he would humiliate me and pretend to be disinterested so I'd
end up begging him. I know he enjoyed our time together as much as I did and I think that he was an idiot to play such dumb games. I never thought we would have lasted forever but I have to admit that I still think of him when I pleasure myself and sometimes hope that I could have a random encounter with him. Too bad he was a game player. Why do men play games? Why can't they be open about their feelings? Why do they try to manipulate their partners instead of opening up to them? I'd love to hear your opinion”

BB SAYS: Both women and men play games. In the game of love, people will use all sorts of subterfuges. If you are too enthusiastic too quickly, you give the impression that you are desperate, and that sets off alarm bells in potential partners. They think “if this person had other options they would not be so into me so quickly. And if this person has no other good options then it probably means there is something wrong with them. I could probably do better”. But if you show no interest at all, the person might just give up. Similarly, if you let someone manipulate you and humiliate you, that is also a sign of desperation. It’s a delicate dance, as each side tries to work out what the other is feeling without giving too much away themselves.

By keeping you in the dark about his real feelings for you, this man kept you on edge – the uncertainty is what made it so exciting. By not showing that he was interested in you, he conveyed the impression that he was better than you, and that you were lucky to be with him. Eroticism feeds on uncertainty and unpredictability. Certainty is the death of Eros. He worked out how to manipulate you.

Women often complain that men will not “talk about their feelings” or that their men will not “open up to them”. The trouble is that most men find talking about their feelings incredibly boring. That is if they have any feelings – often they don’t. Many men just want to drink beer, watch football and take the piss out of each other. To have a woman droning on about her feelings all the time is exhausting and draining. Talk about your feelings with your female friends – that is what they are for. One of the chief reasons men break up with women is because “she was wrecking my head analysing our relationship all the time and asking me how I feel about things”.

But, as I have said before: in order for a relationship to work there needs to be compromise on both sides - women need to talk about their feelings a bit less, and men need to talk about their feelings a bit more.

It sounds to me like this man had a hold over you. You deserve someone nicer.

“Burning with a Jealous Rage"

A READER WRITES: “Dear Brian, I have to travel abroad for long stretches as part of my job. This involves leaving my wife at home in the care of my best friend. My wife isn't from Ireland and so I'm thankful that there are people around to look after her when I'm not there. The problem is that I don't entirely trust my friend. He is a complex character, egotistical, self-absorbed, effeminate and a sexual predator – he’s had a string of girlfriends and possibly children across eastern europe.

Lately I've started to worry that he pays my wife too much attention and this anxiety has started to gnaw away at me. I am sad to say that I am burning with jealousy. Almost every evening when I phone home he happens to be there drinking and eating with her. The last thing I want to do is upset my wife or my friend by giving them the impression that I don't trust them.

So how can I get it across that I'm not comfortable with the present situation in a way that they will understand without causing a ruction? It's 4am where I am right now and I just can't sleep with this problem. I've started to fantasise about taking my friend hiking and pushing him off a cliff. Isn't this an awful way to think? What can I do? desperately yours.”

BB SAYS: Jealousy is a normal part of healthy relationships – we fear that our partners will meet someone better than us, and have sex with them, or fall in love with them, or run off with them. We fantasise about killing our potential sexual rivals. This is human nature. Your experience of jealousy demonstrates that you love your wife – you don’t want to lose her to another man. This is a good thing.

Personally, your friend does not sound to me like he is a better option for your wife than you are. You work hard and you love your wife. If she has any sense, she will not risk all that for a dalliance with an egotistical, self-absorbed predator. Jealousy has been defined as “Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping”. If your wife runs off with this effeminate fool, then you are better off without her, and you can find someone else. Personally, I do not think she will - she just hangs around with this guy as a way of passing the time when you are not there, but really she wants to be with you.

I would also ask you this question: Why have you chosen this egotistical, self-absorbed, predator as your closest friend? What does that say about you? In general, people choose friends who are similar to them. Good people have good friends. You sound like a good person. Why are you involved with this dreadful specimen?

"I have annoying crushes on other men"

A READER WRITES: Thank you for setting up this wonderful site. You truly are talented. I'm wondering if you can offer me some advice. I'm in a long term relationship. I love my partner and wish to spend my life with him. My problem is trivial, I suppose, but I keep getting crushes on other men, in particular my work colleagues. This has always happened to me and the crushes eventually fade but they are an annoyance, I can't seem to stop myself from getting attracted to these men. I have never let it go further than an attraction but sometimes I get sick of constantly being tempted. The feelings are stronger than normal window shopping that other people do, Is this normal?

BB SAYS: Relax! It is perfectly natural to have crushes on other people, even if you are in a long-term relationship. People tend to think that they should not be attracted to other people if they are in a happy long-term relationship, and they feel guilty about it. But it is perfectly normal. Indeed, it would be abnormal if you did not experience such attractions – it would mean that you are repressing your erotic fantasies. The day you stop having crushes is the day you stop living! You have not acted on the temptation, which shows that you are a deeply moral woman, who is capable of really loving her partner.

Healthy people have a real life and a fantasy life, and they are clear about the difference between Fantasy and Reality. What you have with your long-term partner is real. The fact that you have these other crushes shows that you have a lively fantasy-life - and this is healthy. The fact that you have not yet acted on these crushes shows that you draw a clear line between fantasy and reality. Problems start for people when the distinction between fantasy and reality becomes blurred or confused.

For example, you can idealise the men you have crushes on, because you do not have to go out with them month after month, year after year. If you were going out with one of these men, the occasional frustrations and boredom that are involved in having a relationship would start to reassert themselves, and you would eventually start having crushes on other people again. Similarly, if you tried to have a clandestine affair with one of these men, the fantasy would suddenly become a reality, and the reality would likely be very different from the fantasy – squalid, disappointing, and full of regret, pain and guilt.

Women experience a tension between their desire to be with exciting, confident, “dangerous” men, and their desire to be with a stable, reliable man who loves them and cares for them. Unfortunately, there is no easy way to resolve this tension, and each woman must try to work it out for herself as best she can.

Your post suggests that you are a self-aware, well-balanced person. I feel confident that you will make the right decisions.

Do YOU have a problem? Leave an anonymous comment, or send your problem in confidence to brianbarrington@gmail.com

The mysteries of female sexual psychology

A READER WRITES: "I am 32 years old and have been married to a wonderful man for the past 2 years. Despite being very happy with my husband I am very drawn to meeting other men for clandestine physical relationships. You see I have always loved the thrill of meeting new people and having that physical connection. I suppose the forbidden element adds to the fun. Also there are sexual experiences I want to have that I cannot have with my husband because they would potentially change the way we look at each other. I'm sure a man of your background can understand. In the beginning I thought that doing this once or twice would get it out of my system but it doesn't appear to have been the case. It's like drinking salt water to quench a thirst. So my first question to you is this: Is what I'm doing really wrong and do you think I can 'get it out of my system' and one day be satisfied with a cosy life with my husband.
I've been using gumtree and other websites to find interesting quirky people who stand out from the crowd and can be discreet.
Of course I receive hundreds of replies but can discount the usual 'fancy a shag' brigade.

One of the ways I try to illicit information about prospective partners is to ask them whether they prefer:
1. Bobbing for apples or
2. Pinning the tail on the donkey

I tend to be more attracted to those who opt for number one.
However I don't know what this tells me about the person or indeed what it tells me about me.
So my second question is can you explain this?

Finally my third question is would you fancy meeting up for a coffee in Dublin sometime. You seem like an interesting guy - although I could be wrong - perhaps you could answer my apple or donkey question above while you're at it."

BB SAYS: Very unusual indeed. Most women have very little urge for casual sex with strange men, due to differences in male and female sexual psychology. The root of these differences lies in the fact that a woman might get pregnant. So women have evolved to be much more cautious about sex than men. There is more at stake for them. Women are generally very choosy about whom they sleep with. They frequently want to make sure that the man really loves and cares about them, or that he meets some “minimum standard” – since there is often an oversupply of men who would be happy to have sex with them, if given the opportunity. Hence the saying: “Women need love in order to have sex, men need sex in order to love”. Men are much more into casual sex with random partners. The kind of woman you appear to be exists mostly only in the fantasies of sexually inadequate men. Such women are rarely encountered in the real world. However, even you seem to have criteria and standards – you only want to be with men who prefer bobbing for apples, rather than pining the tail on the donkey. How to explain these seemingly bizarre criteria? I find it hard to explain, since I myself have no interest in either activity. According to experts in sexual selection:

“Females often prefer to mate with males with external ornaments - exaggerated features of morphology. These can plausibly arise because an arbitrary female preference for some aspect of male morphology initially increased by genetic drift”

Your preferences would appear to be the result of an arbitrary female preference. Your behaviour strikes me as an unhealthy addiction – continuing it will not “get it out of your system”.

In response to your third question: I’m afraid I am not at all interesting. If we met up, you would only be disappointed. Furthermore, I am happily married.

Nevertheless, I’m beginning to think that female sexual psychology is much more complex than I previously believed. Earlier we posted a letter from a man who wants to murder someone. A girl replied:

"For some reason I can't stop thinking about this man and his murderous urges. I find him so attractive. Part of me hopes he does kill her and if he does that he gets away with it. Ooh I wonder what's wrong with me but I'm hugely drawn to this person".

Perhaps the man in question comes across as an exciting, dangerous, unpredictable male – and the woman finds him attractive because of this. However, we need to consider the possibility that the man in question is just someone who sits on his toilet and poses as a potential killer in cyberspace, in order to make himself seem more exciting and interesting than he actually is.

Metaphysics and Anal Sex: the connection

A READER SAYS: “Dear Brain Barrington, My wife and I have been married for 2 years but a fundamental disagreement threatens to tear our marriage apart. She has developed a radical attachment to the epistemological deductions of Logical Positivism - she cannot abide my interest in Metaphysics and has thrown out a lot of my books. She takes every opportunity to rubbish a priori propositions in front of our friends just to belittle me. This has shaken our relationship to its foundations. As well as this she is insisting that we cut down on anal sex as she says that it's degrading. I don't think we can continue - I can't see a way out but there are children involved and for their sake I want to try - I really do. What would you do Brian Barrington?? Console me with your philosophy.”

BB SAYS: Your relationship appears to suffer from a basic problem of lack of mutual respect. A successful relationship requires compromise. If your wife agrees to become more tolerant of your metaphysical musings, then in return you can agree to become more tolerant of her lack of interest in anal sex.

But it can be very difficult for a relationship to survive basic and important metaphysical disagreements of this sort. I would recommend that you both take a course in Husserl’s Phenomenology – it may provide a philosophical framework that leaves room for both metaphysical speculation and logical positivism – it will permit your wife and you to “bracket” your metaphysical disagreements, and make philosophical progress in other areas.

Regarding your sexual issue: according to Christopher Hitchens “the four most over-rated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics.” Solve your problem by focusing on the other over-rated things in life – bring your wife for a champagne and lobster picnic. If this does not work, consider confronting the probable source of your obsession with anal sex: your repressed homosexuality. Your sublimated homosexual energy may be manifesting itself in your metaphysical flights of fancy. The two problems are likely to be connected.

NEWSFLASH: Many female readers claim to have boyfriends who are jerks

In a post earlier today, a female reader of this site confessed that she suspects that her boyfriend is a “jerk”. Since then, floods of women have contacted me, saying that they also think that their boyfriends might be jerks. Why are women seemingly so attracted to jerks? One reader provided the below list of reasons. It might help women to understand why they are going out with jerks, or why they are attracted to jerks. The list also might offer tips to help single male readers become jerks, and thereby increase their success with women.

TEN Reasons Women Go Out With Jerks Instead of Nice Guys:

10) More fun to complain about them to your friends.

9) Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting.

8) When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so why not save time and go for the jerk in the first place?

7) You won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be more in control.

6) All the other women want them, so they must be worth having.

5) Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't normally give it.

4) Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack of lovemaking skills most of the time.

3) No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them

2) Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what you're doing instead of getting mad about it six months later.

1) Looking for someone you can't trust, and won't care about too much, but who will abuse you mentally and financially, but you don't know any lawyers?

Reader discovers that her boyfriend might be “a bit of a jerk”

A READER WRITES: “I was interested in the research which suggested that romantic infatuations only last for about 18 months. I have been going out with my boyfriend for nearly two years. For the first year, our relationship was passionate and wonderful. But in then our relationship began to deteriorate rapidly. Our sex-life has got worse. I think that I might not have anything in common with him, and that he might even be a bit of a jerk”

BB SAYS: This is a common experience in relationships. When the first flush of romantic love inevitably passes, people discover that they have, as you put it “nothing in common”.

The Ancients Greeks had two different words to describe two different types of human love and human connection: one was Eros, the other was Philia.

Erotic love is passionate, uncertain, and exciting. On the other hand, Philia is based on friendship, companionship, shared interests and mutual respect. Now that the period of erotic infatuation in your relationship has passed, you are finding that there is no basis in Philia to continue your relationship. If you cannot find such ground, then it is difficult to see how your relationship can continue.

Eros and Philia exist in each of us, and they are in tension with each other. Strongly erotic people are not suited to long term relationships - their lives are consumed with the eternal search for novelty and for their “other half”. There is a nobility in this search. Unerotic people tend to be bland and to lack passion. And as the philosopher Hegel says, nothing great has ever been accomplished without passion. Erotic love says Flaubert, “is a springtime plant that perfumes everything with its hope, even the ruins to which it clings”.

And this brings us to the difficulty with erotic love – it is based on hope and it rarely endures. Love without Philia cannot sustain itself. Indeed, people who have been in successful long term relationships often say that REAL love only begins when the period of infatuation passes. As Balzac says: “True love is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart”. Or consider the wise words of Montaigne: “If there is such a thing as a good marriage, it is because it resembles friendship rather than love”.

A successful relationship requires both Eros to initiate it, and Philia to sustain it. Unfortunately it is very hard to find both. That is why, as a minor English poet once put it “the course of true love never did run smooth”. Or look to Montaigne again: “Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out”.

Love is a complex business, and each of us tries, in our own way, to find what Saul Bellow described as “the consummation of the heart’s ultimate need”, where both our erotic longings AND our longing for Philia can be satisfied.

Do YOU have a problem? Leave an anonymous comment, or send your problem in confidence to brianbarrington@gmail.com

The Problem of Unwanted Erotic Attention, and the Reverse problem of Unrequited Love

A READER SAYS: “Dear BB, I was over-joyed to find your blog. Help at last! Or so I thought. It was only the start of my trouble, for BB, I think I have fallen in love with you. Your wise words and above average good looks have left me in a tail-spin. I am sure this is a regular occurrence for you, having women fall head-over-heels in love with you, how do you deal with all the female attention? And what should I do about my own infatuation? And please, I read your blog, do not advise I get a dog. Best, An admirer”.

BB SAYS: Thank you for your kind words.

Unwanted attention and attraction from the opposite sex is apparently a real problem for exceptionally desirable or attractive men and women. I have had beautiful women tell me that they find it impossible to form friendships with men, because the men eventually always fall in love with them. To this I would say: stop moaning. How would you like it if no one was in love with you? That is the condition of many less lucky people. Or what about being in love with someone when that love is unrequited? That is a much more painful condition than being the object of unrequited love. OK, being a beloved can be a minor nuisance sometimes, but overall you should be grateful for your good fortune – very many people do not have enough love in their lives. If you have too much love in yours, then you are one of the fortunate few.

As regards your infatuation with me. Do not worry about it. Unrequited love can be painful, but it is also elevating, joyful, sublime, exhilarating – one of the most intense emotions a human being can experience. Unrequited love has been celebrated by poets throughout history – think of Dante’s love for Beatrice, or Yeats’ love for Maud Gonne. Turn to poetry or write a song. Make the most of your passion before it passes, as it surely will – scientists estimate that “romantic love” of the sort you are experiencing lasts for a maximum of about 18 months.

Many poets and philosophers have held that love is in essence unrequited, since it is awareness of a lack, of one’s incompletion – one seeks to find completion in the arms of another, who represents perfection. But since the beloved does not have such a need or lack, the passion is not reciprocated. For consolation, recall the immortal words of Tennyson: “It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”. Also heed the advice of Ovid: “If thou wouldst be loved, then make thyself worthy to be loved”.

Do YOU have a problem? Leave an anonymous comment, or send your problem in confidence to brianbarrington@gmail.com

"How can I find a partner?"

A READER WRITES: “I am a single and I want to find a partner. How can I find a partner?”

BB SAYS: If you do not have a partner it is probably because your standards are too high. If you want to have a partner you need to reduce your standards. If you are a man, you would probably like to go out with a super-model. But why would a super-model want to go out with a mediocre failure like you? If you are a woman you would probably like to go out with a successful, confident, high-status male. But why would a high-status male want to go out with someone not very desirable, like you? You need to lower your standards drastically, and then you will have no problem at all finding a partner.

You may think that by lowering your standards you are in danger of “selling yourself short”. If this happens then you can dump the person you are going out with, and try to find someone better. Also, successful relationships require practice. You can gain valuable practice at relationships by going out with someone who is “beneath you”. Then you will become better at relationships, and be able to have a better partner once you dump your existing partner, and go looking for another one.