The Power of Female Beauty celebrated in the Black Eyed Peas’ song “My Humps”

Amongst the most influential celebrations of the power of female beauty in recent art is the Black Eyed Peas’ foot-stomper “My Humps”. For women, their beauty is their power. Men are in a thrall to women because of it – on its account men will do anything, endure anything, suffer any level of humiliation.

All of which raises an interesting feminist question – should women exploit this power to the full? Is that the feminist thing to do? Or is it inherently sexist that women need to rely on this in order to get what they want from life? Should authentic feminists (among whom I count myself) strive to attain a world in which it is not necessary for women to use their beauty in order to get what they want?

It’s a tricky question, and I don’t have all the answers. All I would say to women is: use your beauty wisely.

In the meantime ponder the timeless lyrics of this majestic tune:

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon' do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I'm a make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump (ha), my hump, my hump, my hump (what).
My hump, my hump, my hump (ha), my lovely lady lumps (Check it out)

She's got me spending.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me

My controversial profile photo

Some readers who know me have expressed a degree of scepticism about the profile photo of myself on this page. Apparently I look implausibly handsome, tanned and healthy. Many claim that I do not look at all like this in real life. There have been mutterings of “false advertising” and grumblings about “rampant vanity”. Some have even gone so far as to suggest that the picture has been photoshopped.

Whilst I will concede that the photo in question is perhaps not the least flattering snap that exists of me, I vehemently reject the charge of photoshopping. But once rumours like this start, they quickly get out of control. Even by denying the charge I suspect I am already on the back foot, and fighting a futile battle against the rapid emergence of yet another urban myth.

Swine Flu Histrionics

Frequent outbursts of irrational hysteria are one of the human species most charming characteristics. Remember when the cows went mad a few years ago? That was an enjoyable one. “BSE has the potential to infect up to 10 million Britons” crowed one “scientific expert”. Then there was SARS – there was "a 25% chance of killing tens of millions" according to one “scientific expert”. Then there was bird flu – “it will be the first pandemic of the 21st century" said another “scientific expert”. "One in four Britons could die" said the World Health Organisation.

Now the world is going mad over “Swine Flu”. Swine flu – sounds sinister and dangerous. What is swine flu? As Simon Jenkins points out in today's Guardian, Swine flu is flu. If you get it you go to bed for a while and take some medicine. Then you get well again, unless you are very unlucky. A couple from the UK who caught the swine flu on holiday in Cancun are getting better. That tends to happen to people who get flu, however much it may disappoint the media.

Anyway, don’t let the facts prevent you from going barking mad and worrying about Swine Flu – humans love to go berserk for no reason. Join in the fun! Get yourself a face mask and a germ warfare suit! The “experts” will be hauled out in front of TV cameras to intone about how “500 billion people could die from this … so give me and the health organisations more money”.

Anyone for Sheep Flu?

(Of course, when Swine Flu becomes a global pandemic and millions of people die, I’m going to feel a bit guilty about writing the above post)

Jordan: “Are my breasts still too big?”

KATIE PRICE WRITES: “No matter how many boob jobs I have, I am still not satisfied with the way I look. It’s so difficult for me. What should I do?”

BRIAN BARRINGTON, PHILOSOPHICAL COUNSELLOR TO THE STARS, REPLIES: On the question of looks – many of my readers have admitted that they are not happy about the way that they look, and that this is a significant source of anxiety and pain in their lives.

The first thing to note is this: nobody is happy with how they look. Everyone has “issues” with their appearance or their physique. So what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Second, being good-looking does not mean you will have a happy life or happy relationships. Some of the most beautiful people I know are some of the most unhappy and the most lonely. Beauty is useless without wisdom.

Third, not being very good-looking is no bar to being happy or to having happy relationships. Some of the happiest people I know, who are in the best relationships, are not very good-looking. This is because they focus on more important things – such as kindness, wit, intelligence and trust. Studies show that when it comes to short-term relationships, people value looks as very important. But when it comes to long-term relationships, there are a lot of things that people believe are more important than looks. Think of the people you know in the happiest, most stable relationships. Are they all hunks and supermodels? Often they are not.

If you look half-way normal at all, then you will be fine. In fact, even if you look like a monster, it should not necessarily cause you too many insurmountable problems. The philosopher Socrates was known to be the ugliest man in Ancient Athens. And yet, according to Xenophon, he was also the happiest man in Ancient Athens. Being ugly can force you to develop other skills and assets. As Gore Vidal once observed: “Any weakness can be turned into a strength, by those who mean to prevail”.

Fourth, good looks are of limited use. Everyone gets old, and their looks fade. If you have not developed other skills and assets, then being good-looking is of no use to you. Eventually EVERYONE has to cope with not being very good-looking.

The media bombards us with images of good-looking people, who are apparently leading glamorous, happy lives. This helps us to forget the above facts, thereby creating terrible anxiety and unhappiness, most of which is unnecessary.

Power-Cycling: the future

For many years now, I have been a fan of power-cycling as a means of aerobic exercise. A reader has sent in this podcast, finally vindicating my long-held stance on this issue:

http://podcast.cbc.ca/mp3/quirks_20090131_11519.mp3

Back in my power-cycling days I purchased an exercise bike for precisely this purpose. I would strip off naked, get up on the bike, and pant like a maniac for up to 30 seconds at a time. I repeated the process maybe three times a week. I was roundly ridiculed for this. But it is gratifying to see that health experts now agree that I was right all along. Power-cycling is as good as a 6 hour work-out, according to those who have researched this.

Do I still power-cycle? Unfortunately, my girlfriend moved in with me and I was informed that either the exercise bike had to go, or she would go. After much agonising, and a lengthy weighing up of the pros and the cons of letting her or the bike go, I finally capitulated and got rid of the bike. Do I regret that decision? Only mildly.