A READER WRITES: "I am 32 years old and have been married to a wonderful man for the past 2 years. Despite being very happy with my husband I am very drawn to meeting other men for clandestine physical relationships. You see I have always loved the thrill of meeting new people and having that physical connection. I suppose the forbidden element adds to the fun. Also there are sexual experiences I want to have that I cannot have with my husband because they would potentially change the way we look at each other. I'm sure a man of your background can understand. In the beginning I thought that doing this once or twice would get it out of my system but it doesn't appear to have been the case. It's like drinking salt water to quench a thirst. So my first question to you is this: Is what I'm doing really wrong and do you think I can 'get it out of my system' and one day be satisfied with a cosy life with my husband.BB SAYS: Very unusual indeed. Most women have very little urge for casual sex with strange men, due to differences in male and female sexual psychology. The root of these differences lies in the fact that a woman might get pregnant. So women have evolved to be much more cautious about sex than men. There is more at stake for them. Women are generally very choosy about whom they sleep with. They frequently want to make sure that the man really loves and cares about them, or that he meets some “minimum standard” – since there is often an oversupply of men who would be happy to have sex with them, if given the opportunity. Hence the saying: “Women need love in order to have sex, men need sex in order to love”. Men are much more into casual sex with random partners. The kind of woman you appear to be exists mostly only in the fantasies of sexually inadequate men. Such women are rarely encountered in the real world. However, even you seem to have criteria and standards – you only want to be with men who prefer bobbing for apples, rather than pining the tail on the donkey. How to explain these seemingly bizarre criteria? I find it hard to explain, since I myself have no interest in either activity. According to experts in sexual selection:
I've been using gumtree and other websites to find interesting quirky people who stand out from the crowd and can be discreet.
Of course I receive hundreds of replies but can discount the usual 'fancy a shag' brigade.
One of the ways I try to illicit information about prospective partners is to ask them whether they prefer:
1. Bobbing for apples or
2. Pinning the tail on the donkey
I tend to be more attracted to those who opt for number one.
However I don't know what this tells me about the person or indeed what it tells me about me.
So my second question is can you explain this?
Finally my third question is would you fancy meeting up for a coffee in Dublin sometime. You seem like an interesting guy - although I could be wrong - perhaps you could answer my apple or donkey question above while you're at it."
“Females often prefer to mate with males with external ornaments - exaggerated features of morphology. These can plausibly arise because an arbitrary female preference for some aspect of male morphology initially increased by genetic drift”Your preferences would appear to be the result of an arbitrary female preference. Your behaviour strikes me as an unhealthy addiction – continuing it will not “get it out of your system”.
In response to your third question: I’m afraid I am not at all interesting. If we met up, you would only be disappointed. Furthermore, I am happily married.
Nevertheless, I’m beginning to think that female sexual psychology is much more complex than I previously believed. Earlier we posted a letter from a man who wants to murder someone. A girl replied:
"For some reason I can't stop thinking about this man and his murderous urges. I find him so attractive. Part of me hopes he does kill her and if he does that he gets away with it. Ooh I wonder what's wrong with me but I'm hugely drawn to this person".Perhaps the man in question comes across as an exciting, dangerous, unpredictable male – and the woman finds him attractive because of this. However, we need to consider the possibility that the man in question is just someone who sits on his toilet and poses as a potential killer in cyberspace, in order to make himself seem more exciting and interesting than he actually is.
I think that murder is a sign of a deeply lazy mind and so I cannot see why a woman would be attracted to that guy.
ReplyDeleteBrian you do need to rethink your position on female sexual psychology.
I am 48 and have been married for years and at this point in my life I want to have fun with witty engaging men. I love the company of men who I see as my equal. I won't meet someone until we have shared a few emails and they have convinced me that they are going to be interesting but I have met quite a few in the past 6 months. I'll point out that I'm an American and perhaps more confident than Irish women but it could be an age thing.
You may be surprised to know that many of the Irish men that I met for coffee never made a pass at me and just kissed my cheek or my hand. They were anything but predators - I almost felt sorry for them. You remind me a little of them, lacking in confidence, just a little repressed and overly polite.
Hi Lisa, thanks for your remarks. Perhaps we do tend to be a bit conservative here in Ireland.
ReplyDeleteI find the comments left by Lisa, above, incredibly annoying. When she speaks about being more confident than Irish women, what she really means is brash, judgemental and irritatingly self-absorbed. This has been my experience of the majority of American women which I have met. I know plenty of confident assured Irish women. Also she describes Irish men as lacking in confidence, repressed and overly polite, perhaps here she has a point but I would choose all of these traits over the traits that I have found in American men who for the most part are arrogant, egotistical, narrow-minded morons.
ReplyDeletePerhaps the Irish men are just polite... something we certainly don't have here in America... polite men. What a shame... I adore polite men...
ReplyDeleteI laughed at the immediate emergence of "tribalism" between the American woman and the Irish woman. ONE woman makes a single comment and we are initiating a war across the pond, again. As an Irish-American woman (poly-tribal), I say lighten-up!
ReplyDeleteA short list for efficiency:
ReplyDelete1) Gentlemen(with wit) do exist however your attraction is likely for comparably narcissistic and materialistic people, alternatively you may well be overlooking some very good guys for one reason or another(Whatever preconceived ideal you hold.).
2)You won't find the best guys(or girls.) In a bar on friday nights. I think the reasons are fairly obvious.
3) Men love women with the tenacity to come over and hit on them, rather then act sheepish. For example with customers, By principle they must ask me out. It's not very professional to flirt with a customer, nor gentlemanly.
4) Most people seem to be a conduit for those around them. The phrase "You reap what you sow." is true to the extent of how conversation is carried, if you desire witty people you must at least hold their intellectual attention.
5)Finally in reply to the email above.I wouldn't advise betraying somebody's trust so severely. To me it speaks of deeper relationship issues or poor chemistry or even more likely a borderline personality disorder, maybe even a mild case of sociopathy, definitely some narcissism. Without knowing more it's hard to directly categorize the cause without better analysis.
Not trying to hurt feelings, just trying to help. Sometimes I find blunt statements to have the best conveyance. Sorry for any formatting issues as this was written on a mobile phone.
Brian,
ReplyDeleteBobbing for apples and pinning the tail on the donkey are code words for sexual practices that never lead to pregnancy. It doesn't take a genius to break the code.