Ex-boyfriend Plays Games

A READER WRITES: “My ex-boyfriend was some of the best sex I ever had even though I still have issues with the way he had a schedule and put me in a position to ask for sex. At times he would humiliate me and pretend to be disinterested so I'd
end up begging him. I know he enjoyed our time together as much as I did and I think that he was an idiot to play such dumb games. I never thought we would have lasted forever but I have to admit that I still think of him when I pleasure myself and sometimes hope that I could have a random encounter with him. Too bad he was a game player. Why do men play games? Why can't they be open about their feelings? Why do they try to manipulate their partners instead of opening up to them? I'd love to hear your opinion”

BB SAYS: Both women and men play games. In the game of love, people will use all sorts of subterfuges. If you are too enthusiastic too quickly, you give the impression that you are desperate, and that sets off alarm bells in potential partners. They think “if this person had other options they would not be so into me so quickly. And if this person has no other good options then it probably means there is something wrong with them. I could probably do better”. But if you show no interest at all, the person might just give up. Similarly, if you let someone manipulate you and humiliate you, that is also a sign of desperation. It’s a delicate dance, as each side tries to work out what the other is feeling without giving too much away themselves.

By keeping you in the dark about his real feelings for you, this man kept you on edge – the uncertainty is what made it so exciting. By not showing that he was interested in you, he conveyed the impression that he was better than you, and that you were lucky to be with him. Eroticism feeds on uncertainty and unpredictability. Certainty is the death of Eros. He worked out how to manipulate you.

Women often complain that men will not “talk about their feelings” or that their men will not “open up to them”. The trouble is that most men find talking about their feelings incredibly boring. That is if they have any feelings – often they don’t. Many men just want to drink beer, watch football and take the piss out of each other. To have a woman droning on about her feelings all the time is exhausting and draining. Talk about your feelings with your female friends – that is what they are for. One of the chief reasons men break up with women is because “she was wrecking my head analysing our relationship all the time and asking me how I feel about things”.

But, as I have said before: in order for a relationship to work there needs to be compromise on both sides - women need to talk about their feelings a bit less, and men need to talk about their feelings a bit more.

It sounds to me like this man had a hold over you. You deserve someone nicer.