"I have annoying crushes on other men"

A READER WRITES: Thank you for setting up this wonderful site. You truly are talented. I'm wondering if you can offer me some advice. I'm in a long term relationship. I love my partner and wish to spend my life with him. My problem is trivial, I suppose, but I keep getting crushes on other men, in particular my work colleagues. This has always happened to me and the crushes eventually fade but they are an annoyance, I can't seem to stop myself from getting attracted to these men. I have never let it go further than an attraction but sometimes I get sick of constantly being tempted. The feelings are stronger than normal window shopping that other people do, Is this normal?

BB SAYS: Relax! It is perfectly natural to have crushes on other people, even if you are in a long-term relationship. People tend to think that they should not be attracted to other people if they are in a happy long-term relationship, and they feel guilty about it. But it is perfectly normal. Indeed, it would be abnormal if you did not experience such attractions – it would mean that you are repressing your erotic fantasies. The day you stop having crushes is the day you stop living! You have not acted on the temptation, which shows that you are a deeply moral woman, who is capable of really loving her partner.

Healthy people have a real life and a fantasy life, and they are clear about the difference between Fantasy and Reality. What you have with your long-term partner is real. The fact that you have these other crushes shows that you have a lively fantasy-life - and this is healthy. The fact that you have not yet acted on these crushes shows that you draw a clear line between fantasy and reality. Problems start for people when the distinction between fantasy and reality becomes blurred or confused.

For example, you can idealise the men you have crushes on, because you do not have to go out with them month after month, year after year. If you were going out with one of these men, the occasional frustrations and boredom that are involved in having a relationship would start to reassert themselves, and you would eventually start having crushes on other people again. Similarly, if you tried to have a clandestine affair with one of these men, the fantasy would suddenly become a reality, and the reality would likely be very different from the fantasy – squalid, disappointing, and full of regret, pain and guilt.

Women experience a tension between their desire to be with exciting, confident, “dangerous” men, and their desire to be with a stable, reliable man who loves them and cares for them. Unfortunately, there is no easy way to resolve this tension, and each woman must try to work it out for herself as best she can.

Your post suggests that you are a self-aware, well-balanced person. I feel confident that you will make the right decisions.

Do YOU have a problem? Leave an anonymous comment, or send your problem in confidence to brianbarrington@gmail.com