A READER SAYS: “Dear BB, I was over-joyed to find your blog. Help at last! Or so I thought. It was only the start of my trouble, for BB, I think I have fallen in love with you. Your wise words and above average good looks have left me in a tail-spin. I am sure this is a regular occurrence for you, having women fall head-over-heels in love with you, how do you deal with all the female attention? And what should I do about my own infatuation? And please, I read your blog, do not advise I get a dog. Best, An admirer”.BB SAYS: Thank you for your kind words.
Unwanted attention and attraction from the opposite sex is apparently a real problem for exceptionally desirable or attractive men and women. I have had beautiful women tell me that they find it impossible to form friendships with men, because the men eventually always fall in love with them. To this I would say: stop moaning. How would you like it if no one was in love with you? That is the condition of many less lucky people. Or what about being in love with someone when that love is unrequited? That is a much more painful condition than being the object of unrequited love. OK, being a beloved can be a minor nuisance sometimes, but overall you should be grateful for your good fortune – very many people do not have enough love in their lives. If you have too much love in yours, then you are one of the fortunate few.
As regards your infatuation with me. Do not worry about it. Unrequited love can be painful, but it is also elevating, joyful, sublime, exhilarating – one of the most intense emotions a human being can experience. Unrequited love has been celebrated by poets throughout history – think of Dante’s love for Beatrice, or Yeats’ love for Maud Gonne. Turn to poetry or write a song. Make the most of your passion before it passes, as it surely will – scientists estimate that “romantic love” of the sort you are experiencing lasts for a maximum of about 18 months.
Many poets and philosophers have held that love is in essence unrequited, since it is awareness of a lack, of one’s incompletion – one seeks to find completion in the arms of another, who represents perfection. But since the beloved does not have such a need or lack, the passion is not reciprocated. For consolation, recall the immortal words of Tennyson: “It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”. Also heed the advice of Ovid: “If thou wouldst be loved, then make thyself worthy to be loved”.
Do YOU have a problem? Leave an anonymous comment, or send your problem in confidence to brianbarrington@gmail.com
Dear BB,
ReplyDeleteI'm having trouble house-training my dog. This is a problem I've faced with men before, but could not solve. Any advice.
Best,
your admirer.
Dear BB,
ReplyDeleteI've been reading Kant's critique -- on a friends recommendation. That is, whenever my feeble arms will allow me to lift the heavy tome - such is the weight of knowledge. I've just come to his infamous copernican turn. It seems that he favoured inquiry into the world of appearances. Would I be as well of to spare my bi-ceps and restrict my future readings to Look magazine,
best,
Your admirer
Thank you for setting up this wonderful site. You truely are talented. I'm wondering if you can offer me some advice. I'm in a long term relationship. I love my partner and wish to spend my life with him. My problem is trivial, I suppose, but I keep getting crushes on other men, in particular my work colleagues. This has always happened to me and the crushes eventually fade but they are an annoyance, I can't seem to stop myself from getting attracted to these men. I have never let it go further than an attraction but sometimes I get sick of constantly being tempted. The feelings are stronger than normal window shopping that other people do, Is this normal?
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