You have to hand it to the Yanks

The guys who caused the collapse of Bear Stearns being dragged from their homes in handcuffs in front of the media by FBI agents. Now that’s why the US has not had a coup d’etat since independence.

Wisdom of the Ancient Romans:

• Ignoranti quem portum petat nullus suus ventus est – Seneca (translation: If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favourable).

• Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit – Cicero (translation: No one dances sober, unless he is insane).

• Parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus – Horace (translation: The mountains will be in labour, and a ridiculous mouse will be brought forth).

• Sedit qui timuit ne non succederet – Horace (translation: He who feared that he would not succeed sat still)

• Semper avarus eget – Horace (translation: The covetous man is ever in want).

• First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do – Epictetus

• Say to yourself in the early morning: I shall meet today inquisitive, ungrateful, violent, treacherous, envious, uncharitable men. All these things have come upon them through ignorance of real good and ill – Marcus Aurelius

• There is nothing so ridiculous but some philosopher has said it –Cicero

Do YOU have a problem? Leave an anonymous comment, or send your problem in confidence to brianbarrington@gmail.com

The Irish Blog Awards: Boycott this Farce

A READER WRITES: “Did you know that the Irish Blog Awards take place this Saturday in Cork - I wonder how people get nominated? You should definitely be in the running - I wake up happy every morning knowing that I'll get to read your blog, it's FAB! Maybe you could investigate the Blog Awards thing for the future, it's essential to the well-being of the nation that as many people as possible know about your website.”

BB SAYS: I was not aware of this. I see that I am not nominated for any award, even though my blog has been up and running for over a month now. They don’t even have a “Best Irish Philosophy Blog” category. What a farce. Boycott the Irish Blog Awards.

Friday Visual Miscellany

Stolen from:
http://untilthestarsturncold.soup.io/


Garfield minus Garfield

The Global Cities Index

More on Global cities - where it's all happening. Check out the map. The top five most global cities are New York City, London, Paris, Tokyo, Hong Kong. Other top European cities are Brussels (13th), Madrid (14th), Berlin (17th). Dublin sneaks in at 44.

Internet Ads

A READER WRITES: “Dear Brian, Do you ever click through onto the ads that magically appear on your site? I went to this one - http://theonesoul.com/ . Should I be clicking on MORE ads or LESS ads in these worrying economic times I wonder?”

BB SAYS: Click more. Click, click, click like a maniac. Somebody told me that I get 99 cents every time one of these ads is clicked. I’ve no idea how it works, or how I will ever get the money. But supposedly that’s what happens. It all works by magic.

Anyway, these days you can find great bargains by trawling through ads on the Internet. Downloading two-for-one discount vouchers might even be overtaking porn as the number one activity of websurfers. Unbelievable.

Yet another rant about the economy

A READER WRITES: “You have not provided us with a rant about the economy for a couple of days now. I miss it. Please rant”.

BB SAYS: Ok, ok. But this is the last one. No seriously. I promise. This is my last word on the matter. From now on I won’t be mentioning it again. Honest. I’m boring even myself at this stage.

The predicted German bailout of Ireland is now being talked out openly:

“The German finance minister is raising the prospect of a rescue becoming necessary. While declining to identify countries facing problems, the German finance chief said Ireland, which has a widening budget deficit, is in a ‘very difficult situation’”.

Of course, Ireland is already being kept on life-support by the European Central Bank in Frankfurt:

“The ECB is able to get cash indirectly to countries by buying bonds under repurchase agreement in the secondary market. The ECB does not make public what bonds it holds and that made it unclear which countries, if any, might already be receiving this form of indirect help. But Mayer said he thought some countries were.”

Ireland is. The ECB presumably has reasonably reliable information about the real condition of Irish banks – I would imagine that Anglo Irish Bank has virtually no deposits (what rational person would have their money there?), and billions of loans owing to foreign banks that neither it nor the government will be able to pay back. The other Irish banks are not that far behind Anglo Irish Bank. Ireland borrowed billions from abroad to build and buy property - if banks increase lending by 20% then house prices go up by 20%. Now, if people think house prices are going to keep going up, the link between house prices and household income is broken – until such time as the bubble bursts, and then the link is re-established. Household incomes in Ireland are not nearly as high as people think, and they are falling fast.

As I wrote to a friend on the 9th of January 2008: “The big problem in Ireland is new financial instruments such as 35 year mortgages, or 120% mortgages and so on. On the face of it, people might think that 35 year mortgages are good for house-buyers because they allow them to buy a better, more expensive house. But all it does is allow everyone to get a bigger mortgage, thus driving up the price of houses for everyone. So the purpose of financial instruments like 35 year mortgages is to get ordinary people deeper in debt, to push up house prices, and benefit banks and above all builders. The Irish government has connived in all of this deliberately, in order to keep its biggest donors happy. The people who lose out the most from these scams are young people who either can't afford a house, or who have to plunge themselves into a life-time of debt in order to get a house”.

Much of the borrowed money will never be paid back. So now nobody will lend to Ireland except the ECB (indirectly). But don’t think for a second that any bailout will not come at a price. The people who provide the bailout dictate whatever terms they want, and the recipient country has no choice but to obey. When countries are bailed out the quid pro quo is always the same: huge increases in taxes and murderous reductions in public spending.

Some commentators are worried that the Irish economy now faces a Japanese-style “lost decade”. Certainly, house prices in Japan fell for 14 years in a row after its bubble bursts in the early 1990s. But unemployment only rose to 5 percent in 2001 from 2.1 percent in 1990. Its economy expanded in all but two years (1998 and 1999). In Ireland unemployment is going to rise to at least 12% this year and GDP is going to fall by 6% at least. The government’s tax revenue will be decimated. Nothing like this ever happened in Japan’s “lost decade”.

What is Genius?

A READER WRITES: “I am at a loss as to how you managed to exclude Rome from your list of Ten Best Cities!!! Is there an as yet unmentioned reason for this? Or did you just simply forget?”

BB SAYS: Yes, the Eternal City belongs on the list of course. Largely because it is home to the world’s greatest painting. Painting is visual philosophy, and Raphael’s Stanza della segnatura is philosophical genius of the highest order. The painting is a room in the Vatican. The four walls of the room are painted with frescoes by Raphael.

The paintings on the two largest walls face each other across the room as equals – on one wall the School of Athens (pictured above); on the other wall the Disputation of the Holy Sacrament. The School of Athens represents Philosophy, the Disputation represents Religion. The former contains paintings of great figures from the pagan Greek era, the latter contains great figures from the Christian era. So here, Reason and Faith face each other as equally valid ways of life – Raphael suggests that the choice between philosophy and religion, between reason and revelation, is the most important one that a human being needs to face.

This is a Renaissance painting. What does that mean? The Renaissance was the moment that existed between the Middle Ages (i.e. the great age of Christianity) and the Enlightenment period that followed it (i.e. the Age of Reason). The Renaissance was the moment between these two eras when religion and reason faced each other as equally valid choices. Raphael’s Stanza della segnatura is the graphical representation of that moment – the moment when Renaissance humanists conceived of a harmony between the teachings of Greek philosophy and Christian theology.

At the centre of the School of Athens are the two greatest philosophers of Ancient Greece, Plato and Aristotle. This-worldly Aristotle, the proponent of the Golden Mean, extends his hand in a balanced, moderate fashion. Other-worldly Plato, the idealist, points his arm to the skies and towards eternity. On the lower level of the painting there are representations of scientific figures such as Pythagoras and Euclid. On the higher level are philosophers – such as Socrates, who is painted in conversation with a group of youths. There is also a portrait of the great Muslim philosopher Averroes, a controversial figure who was suspected of being an atheist. So here, at the very heart of institutional Christianity, at the centre of the Vatican, Raphael has painted a portrait of a man who was heretic, who was either a Muslim or an atheist.

To the right, hidden amongst all these figures in the School of Athens is a self-portrait of Raphael himself. The message could not be clearer – Raphael is saying: “I am a philosopher. I belong with the Ancient Greeks - and maybe even with Averroes”.

The Disputation, which represents religion and faith, is also divided into a higher and lower section, although here the division is more definite. At the centre of the higher level we have the Holy Trinity (the father, the son and the holy ghost), surrounded by the Virgin Mary, angels and biblical figures such as Moses. On the lower level are popes and theologians such as Augustine and Aquinas, discussing the meaning of the Eucharist. So even here, discussion and philosophical disputation are present.

What about the other two smaller walls of the room that join the School of Athens to the Disputation? One is devoted to poets and the muses, and the other to law and political virtue. Raphael suggests that art and politics mediate between reason and revelation, between philosophy and religion. The depictions of the poets include Homer (the greatest poet of the pagan Greek era) and Dante (the greatest poet of the Christian era). Art and music (including Raphael’s art) are the means by which harmony can be achieved between Reason and Faith. The fourth wall contains a representation of the four Greek Cardinal virtues – Moderation, Courage, Justice and Wisdom. Again, these practical virtues mediate between Reason and Religion. Later, Christians added three cardinal Theological virtues to the four cardinal Philosophical virtues - those Theological virtues are Faith, Hope and Charity - making a total of seven Cardinal Virtues.

100 posts for the Performing Monkey!

This is this blog’s one hundredth post. When the blog reaches one hundred hits, I really intend to crack open the bubbly. However, reaching this momentous milestone has encouraged me to reflect upon (hold on to your seats) THE TRUE MEANING OF THIS BLOG.

We philosophers need to periodically withdraw, and spend time alone with our thoughts. Many great philosophers such as Wittgenstein went through long periods of silence. In fact, I hold to the view that many of the greatest philosophers never made any effort at all to make their thoughts public, and so they remain utterly unknown. They quite simply, couldn’t be arsed. Even when philosophers do deign to pontificate in public, they rarely say what they really think - they merely toy with us for their own entertainment.

In short, great philosophers are self-sufficient and have no need to seek the adulation of the vulgar masses, or the vanity of society’s ignorantly bestowed awards. They do not care what the mob thinks. According to the philosopher Heraclitus “Asses would rather have straw than gold”. Also “dogs bark at what they do not know”. Similarly he said “most men do not know what they are doing when they are awake, just as they do not know what they are doing when they are asleep. Fools, although they hear, are like the deaf. Whenever they are present, they are absent”.

Heraclitus’s contempt for the masses was such that, according to Diogenes, he "finally became a hater of his kind and wandered into the mountains, making his diet of grass and herbs." Unfortunately, the diet of grass didn’t agree with Heraclitus, and he was taken ill. He decided that he could cure himself by covering himself in cow shit, and lying in the baking sun for hours on end. But, alas, the cure didn’t work and within 24 hours he passed away.

In this spirit, I find myself asking the question: is this blog distracting me from higher, loftier callings? Certainly, there is gold to be found in this blog, for those who are not asses. But perhaps those who have the power of hearing, do not need to listen? To what extent am I like the performing monkey, pictured above? I have been doing this for four weeks now. That’s four weeks of my life that I will never have back. Am I debasing myself by playing to the gallery in this way?

Now, on this my hundredth post, it is I and not my readers who am confused and bewildered. It is I who have a problem. It is I, the would-be dispenser of advice, who now finds himself in need of advice. Ah, the irony of it, the sheer irony of it …

Is this blog disappearing down the toilet?

A READER WRITES: “I note with alarm that there have been virtually no comments in the last couple of days! Is this a sign? If so, of what? Perhaps they are still reeling from reading this article in the Telegraph. In other news, I have just realised my cousin bears more than a passing resemblance to Barack Obama - Is this a sign? If so, of what? Yours in Christ”

BB SAYS: According to Google Analytics readership of this blog is stable. So, yeah, I think people are just too depressed to comment. It’s February after all. Why would anyone want to comment about anything during the most depressing month of the year? I further think that many of my recent posts are just so good that they simply require no comment. I also suspect that some of the blowhard, fly-by-night readers have retreated, leaving the more thoughtful, private types – people who don’t tend to fire off spontaneous comments quite as much. Instead, they are biding their time, waiting for me to say something silly or inaccurate, so that they can then pounce when spring arrives.

Also, I edit out many comments - such as “Your blog has taught me that there is nothing on the Internet that I won’t masturbate to”. Amusing, but I want to keep the tone fairly civilised.

As for your cousin – we all know that Barack O’Bama has ancestors from Offaly and Longford. You probably do too. The similarities are almost certainly the result of shared genes. Brian Cowen is also from Offaly. Separated at birth? You decide.

Quote of the Day

“To realise from what troubles you yourself are free is joy indeed. But this is the greatest joy of all: to stand aloof in a quiet citadel, stoutly fortified by the teachings of the wise, and to gaze down from that elevation on others wandering aimlessly in a vain search for the way of life, pitting their wits one against another, disputing for precedence, struggling night and day with unstinted effort to scale the pinnacles of wealth and power. The greatest wealth is to live content with little, for there is never want where the mind is satisfied”. Lucretius, the Roman Epicurean philosopher

10 Best Cities in the World

A READER WRITES: “Before I get fired, I want to blow all my money on a big holiday somewhere exciting. Where should I go?”

1. Singapore – people had told me it was boring, so I wasn’t expecting much. But the whole world is here – one minute you’re in the Chinese quarter, the next minute you are in the Indian area, then the Arab area, then the colonial English area, then the glitzy shopping centres devoted to prostitution. It’s clean and it’s safe - but boring? I don’t think so.

2. Jerusalem – The Old City’s Christian Quarter contains the Tomb of the Holy Sepulchre, built on the spot where Jesus rose from the dead – the purpose of the Crusades was to get back the Tomb of the Holy Sepulchre. Beside it is the spot where Jesus was crucified. 100 meters down from this is the Muslim quarter, which contains the Dome of the Rock – the rock where Abraham went to sacrifice his kid, the rock on which the Jews built their temple twice, the rock where Jesus threw the traders out of the temple, and the rock from which Mohammed ascended into heaven. When World War III finally happens, it’s going to be over this damn rock, so you might as well go and have a look. The final quarter in the Old City is the Armenian Quarter. Hold on there a second. The Armenian Quarter? What did the Armenians ever do to deserve a quarter? Why didn’t the Azerbaijanis get a quarter?

(If you go to Jerusalem, be sure and fly El Ail. Before you embark, you’ll be given a ferocious interrogation by small, olive-skinned Israeli girls with large, moist black eyes. Transfixed by their combination of beauty and strength, you’ll stammer out implausible answers to their impertinent questions)

3. Chongqing - I had never heard of it until I arrived there (pictured above). The municipal area of Chongqing has a population of a mere 32 million. Basically, Chongqing is on this list to represent “any of hundreds interior Chinese cities containing millions people” - because if you want to feel like you are on another planet, these are the places to go – the markets sell dogs and rats, the vast central plazas are full of eighty year olds doing Tai Chi and waltzing (they love their waltzing over there – the men waltz with each other, which is endearing), the skyscrapers and smog are incredible.

4. Berlin – This is here because of the Sony Centre in Potsdamer platz. Also, Karl-Marx-Strasse. Very cool.

5. Los Angeles – You have to have a car, and just keep driving along the freeways. Visit Venice Beach for a session of lunatic-watching. Very good vegan restaurants. LA kicks the ass off its yawn-inducing, predictable neighbour - San Francisco.

6. Tokyo – now THIS is a city. The biggest city on the face of the fucking planet. Step into a sci-fi movie, sir. Mind blowing.

7. Brussels – The manikin pis, snug pubs with super beer, Euro-offices. It’s always overcast and raining, which puts me in a rather nice melancholy frame of mind. When you’re in the mood, Brussels is unmatchable.

8. Hong Kong – the best skyline in the world. No competition. In fact, the Hong Kong skyline at night is the most beautiful man-made object on the planet.

9. Cape Town – for its setting below Table Mountain. I think there are only about five thousand murders a year, so it is much safer than Johannesburg. And it’s in South Africa. Amazing country.

10. Moscow, Istanbul and Shanghai. I haven’t been to any of these places, but I’ve already made up my mind about them. They rock.

Sean Fitzpatrick: Loveable Rogue

SEAN FITZPATRICK WRITES: “Dearest Brian, thank you so much for your kind words of support. In these dark times, I need all the allies I can find. But Brian, I still can’t work out what went wrong. Who is responsible for the current mess that the country finds itself in?”

BB SAYS: Ah Sean, thank you for your lovely letter. You belong to a long tradition of charming Irish scoundrels.

I’m surprised that you haven’t yet worked out who is responsible for the current mess. Especially since you are on the record identifying the cancer that is destroying Irish society: children. Not just children but old people and sick people, particularly the over seventies. You will recall that you recently instructed the Irish government to “tackle the sacred cows of universal child benefit, state pensions and medical cards for the over-70s”. So you spotted who was responsible a long time ago. Of course now that Anglo-Irish Bank is state-owned, your half-a- million Euro a year pension will be, in effect, a state pension. So I think we should limit the focus of our attack on “sacred cows” to children and medical cards for the over seventies. That way we will still be able to afford paying your pension. I’m disappointed that you have declined the opportunity today to bring this message to the special Dail hearing into your dealings.

These are, indeed, dark times. But amongst all the bad news on RTE last night, I noted one glimmer of hope: the station ran a piece telling potential “first-time buyers” (i.e. young people) that “now is the time to buy” because B of I has a scheme to “help first-time buyers to get on the property ladder”. A real estate agent identified the problem very clearly “If we don’t have first-time buyers, it blocks up the whole property market”. As you know only too well Sean, any pyramid scheme is only as good as the people at the bottom of it. “First-time buyers” (i.e. young people) have been at the bottom of this particular pyramid scheme. And there is a danger that young people will work out that if they don’t buy now, property prices will fall even further. Thus, by refusing to buy houses, young people are saving themselves vast quantities of money, which could instead be going to people like you and me. So we need to scare them. It’s heartening to see that RTE is taking its responsibilities as a state broadcaster seriously, and that it is playing its part in trying to scare young Irish people into buying houses. Far too many young people appear to be considering leaving the country – they seem to think that it would be more fun to wait out this recession lying on a beach in Australia. Apparently the new government scheme to help “first-time buyers” get on to the “property ladder” only had four applications, even though the administration costs of the scheme were 290,000 Euro. That’s nearly 75,000 Euro per application. What is wrong with young people these days? Why don’t they want to get on the property ladder?

PS: I see that doom-monger Morgan Kelly has now lost the plot completely http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/opinion/2009/0217/1224241278003.html

Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Woody Allen’s latest film is about two American women, Vicky (Rebecca Hall) and Cristina (Scarlett Johansson), who spend a summer in Barcelona. Many of the film’s themes were previously discussed on this blog.

Vicky is moderate, practical, conventional, cautious and she has definite ideas about what she wants from life and relationships. She has bourgeois tendencies. Her husband-to-be is back in America.

In contrast to Vicky, Cristina is passionate, a dreamer, adventurous, impetuous, artistic, unconventional and is not sure what she wants from life and relationships. She knows what she does not want, but she only has the vaguest ideas of what she wants. She has Bohemian tendencies.

In Barcelona the two women fall in with a local artist, Juan Antonio Gonzalo (Javier Bardem), who tries to seduce them both. Vicky naturally dislikes him, but eventually she sleeps with Juan, discovering that she is not as conventional or cautious as she first supposed. She has erotic longings that she has been trying to suppress. Her impeccably bourgeois fiancé then arrives in Barcelona – and she finds herself terribly bored with him, and falling for the exciting Juan.

Cristina also sleeps with Juan, ends up living with him and having a relationship with him. In a nice twist, the artist’s ex-wife shows up (amusingly played by Penelope Cruz) – she is even crazier than her ex-husband – hard-drinking, moody, hysterical, manipulative, suicidal, chain-smoking, she has previously tried to kill Juan, she is generally nuts. In the end, she seduces Vicky and her ex-husband, and the three of them get involved in a love triangle. Eventually, Cristina discovers that she is not as Bohemian as she thought she was, and that the arrangement does not satisfy her.

At the end of the summer, the Vicky and Cristina go back to the US, and nothing has really changed for them. Vicky is now married to her dreary husband, and Cristina still does not know what she wants from life or relationships. Vicky’s husband is an extreme version of Vicky (practical, conventional etc.) and Juan and his ex-wife are extreme versions of Cristina (passionate, unconventional etc.) The two women represent an attempt to find the Golden Mean between these two extremes, but they fail. The message of the film is: there is no solution to the problem of love, or indeed to the problem of life (where people have to try and find a Golden Mean between being bourgeois and being bohemian). However, unlike Allen’s previous films about the hopelessness of love, such as Husbands and Wives, this film is not bleak or depressing, but manages to remain cheerful throughout. It’s as if Allen is saying: “Yeah, love and life are a pretty hopeless business but let’s not get too depressed about it or anything”.

The Tribal Mentality versus the Humanist Mentality

A READER WRITES: “Dear Brian, When I started to read your blog you were promising me increased happiness which I badly needed. Now I am getting increasingly unhappy listening to these intolerant and aggressive exchanges. How can I recover my equilibrium with reds under the beds, Islamists under the carpets and Steyn fans in fear and trembling and a frenzy of hatred. Normally when I feel upset I go to some Buddhist meditation classes but maybe the Buddhists are trying to take over the world so I dont know what to do now and am looking to you for some kind of an injection of happiness, goodwill to all men, restoration of faith in human nature etc. Please help. Unhappy but trying”

BB SAYS: The philosopher Spinoza says: “Do not weep; do not wax indignant. Understand.”

Humans can broadly be divided into two types – those with a Tribal Mentality and those with a Humanist Mentality. Both mentalities exist in most people to varying degrees.

Tribalists tend to be loyal to their own group, community or society. They tend to be nationalist and conservative. In extreme cases Tribalists dehumanise and demonise outgroups. They tend to focus on the conflicts of interest that can exist between various groups. They suffer from what behavioural psychologists call the outgroup homogeneity bias (individuals tend to see members of their own group as being relatively more varied than members of other groups).

Humanists tend to look at people as individuals, and to see the similarities that exist between different societies, rather than the differences. They tend to be cosmopolitan and progressive. They tend to focus on co-operation between groups, rather than conflicts of interest.

People with a Tribal Mentality regard those with a Humanist Mentality as treacherous, cowardly and naïve. People with a Humanist Mentality regard those with a Tribal Mentality as bigoted, narrow-minded and irrational.

Examples of very Tribalist groups would include German Neo-Nazis, Russian nationalists, Japanese supremacists, Muslim fundamentalists, extremist Irish Catholic Nationalists, American Exceptionalists and so forth. The point is: the tribal mentality is found in all societies. In Sri Lanka, many Buddhist monasteries are hotbeds of ultranationalist, reactionary, anti-Tamil extremism. So even a peaceful religion like Buddhism can be co-opted by Tribalists. All these tribalist groups tend to be xenophobic, but the irony is that they have much more in common with each other than they do with Humanists. For example, an American Exceptionalist has more in common with a Muslim fundamentalist, than either type does with a Humanist – because both the American Exceptionalist and the Muslim fundamentalist have a Tribal Mentality.

Often, the anger of Tribalists is not focused on other tribes, but on what they call “the Liberal Elite” (i.e. Humanists). Humanists also exist in all societies and, what is more, they tend to agree with each other even though they are from different societies. In other words, Humanists everywhere in the world form alliances in a way that Tribalists cannot. The real danger for Tribalists comes not from other tribes (extremists need opposing extremists in order to exist) – the real danger comes from Humanists, who tend to be shrewd. Hence the diatribes from Tribalists about the “Liberal Elites” whom they suspect of trying to take over the world by taking control of universities, internationalist institutions, the media, human rights organisations and so forth. In one sense, the Tribalists are correct – the Enlightenment revolution in philosophy, with its humanist concepts of human rights, democracy, rationality and personal freedom, has made great progress in taking over the world. Humanism has a universal appeal that transcends any particular tribalism. So don’t worry, if anyone is going to take over the world, it is not going to be any particular group of Tribalists – it will be the Humanists. So be happy!

Do YOU have a problem? Leave an anonymous comment, or send your problem in confidence to brianbarrington@gmail.com

Jacques Lacan in Cyberspace

Jacques Lacan, the legendary French post-modernist, deconstructionist, psychoanalyst and philosopher, has been cutting a dash in cyberspace. The below clips are amongst the funniest things I have seen on the Internet:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2TEuzK-hKc&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7v19ZKIpuU&feature=related

Typical Jacques Lacan quote: "A geometry implies the heterogeneity of locus, namely that there is a locus of the Other. Regarding this locus of the Other, of one sex as Other, as absolute Other, what does the most recent development in topology allow us to posit? This emphasis would be lavished in vain, if it served, in your opinion, only to abstract a general type from phenomena whose particularity in our work would remain the essential thing for you, and whose original arrangement could be broken up only artificially."

Noam Chomsky on Jacques Lacan: "An amusing and perfectly self-conscious charalatan".

Abolish Valentine’s Day

No holiday in human history has caused more misery and stress than Valentine’s Day (with the possible exception of Aztec feast days, when priests ripped the beating hearts out of hundreds of terrified captives).

Valentine’s day is an unpleasant day of the year for everyone. It’s an unpleasant day of the year for people who are going out with someone, as they have to set out for an overpriced dinner, and warily compare themselves to other couples in order to see who is most in love. Valentine’s day is also deeply unpleasant for single people. If you go out to a night-club on the weekend before Valentine’s Day, you will see crowds of single people desperately looking to score, so that they might just have a date on the awful day.

It’s common knowledge that Valentine’s day is yet another marketing scam - people get fleeced on flowers, cards and other crap. Now the anti-Valentine's Day movement has turned into a cliched marketing scam. If you want to spend some of your money on the anti-Valentine's Day marketing scam, go here.

Am I being a grumpy kill-joy about this? On the contrary, I firmly believe that Valentine’s Day makes people miserable, and that abolishing it would increase the sum of human joy and happiness. We should liberate ourselves from the tyrannical hold of this loathsome occasion.

What ever happened to Gross NATIONAL Product?

We Irish are constantly being told that we are rich because we have a high “GDP per capita”. For example, we read into today’s paper that Ireland’s “income far exceeds European norms”. Really? A close examination of the article reveals that the writer is talking about GDP per capita.

Fifteen years ago there used to be something called Gross National Product (GNP). Then it mysteriously disappeared and was replaced by something called Gross Domestic Product (GDP). Gross Domestic Product includes money that just happens to be passing through a country (e.g. repatriated multinational profits and things of that sort). Gross National Product, on the other hand, measures the amount of money that citizens of the country actually make.

Ireland’s Gross Domestic Product is very high. But its Gross National Product is considerably lower (at least 12% lower).

Even with this, Ireland's GNP per capita is quite high (assuming it is being measured correctly), so there can be little doubt that some people in Ireland are wealthy. For example, when employers and politicians campaign against income tax increases for the wealthy, they point out that 50% of income tax is paid for by 6.5% of the population. This burden on a small group of people is, according to the employers and some politicans, a scandal. And they are right – it is a scandal, because it means that our society is scandalously unequal. The reason this 6.5% pays 50% of the income tax is because they earn hundreds of thousands of euro a year.

It’s surprisingly hard to find reliable figures about average wages in Ireland. Figures I have heard range between 32K and 35K as the average wage for a worker in Ireland. That is the average salary – that average figure is driven up by those 6.5% who earn hundreds of thousands of euro a year. The median salary is substantially lower than 35k a year. In other words, a large majority of people in Ireland who work, earn less than 35k a year. This is substantiated by government figures which show that only 21.58% of income earners in 2008 paid taxes at the highest rate (on income of over 35.4k a year) http://www.budget.gov.ie/2008/downloads/DistributionOfIncome.pdf .

Given the cost of living in Ireland (Dublin is the 5th most expensive city in the European Union) it is hardly surprising that most people in Ireland do not really feel very wealthy, despite the fact that they are constantly being told how wealthy they are. The only way most people in Ireland have been able to survive is by borrowing large amounts of money – but now they are all borrowed out.

Just to illustrate the point further: Ireland’s GDP per capita is higher than Switzerland’s. So the Irish are richer than the Swiss! Not really. Median household income in Switzerland is $55,000 dollars a year. Ireland’s median household income is $35,000 a year. A typical Irish person is NOT richer than a typical Swiss person.

A Platonic Interpretation of the Wizard of Oz

Great works of art are also great works of philosophy, because they teach us what it is to be a human being. In my opinion, films are the most innovative and dynamic art-form of our time. The Wizard of Oz is an astonishing film – like all great works of art it's inexhaustible.

The scarecrow, the tin man and the lion represent Plato's tripartite division of the soul into reason, desire and courage. The scarecrow wants a brain, the tin-man wants a heart, and the lion wants courage. Now, becoming a complete human being requires getting the balance right between Plato's three divisions of the soul. The irony, of course, is that these three characters already have within themselves the things they are looking for – you can't think about having a brain unless you already have a brain; you can't desire to have a heart unless you already have a heart; you can't feel shame at your cowardice unless you already have within yourself the courage to overcome that cowardice. These three characters do not realise this truth until they receive three trinkets from the conman Wizard. All of this is a very clever commentary on the fact that humans need Myths, illusions, dreams in order to find the Truth – those Myths are the fuel which power us on our journey towards Self-knowledge and Wisdom. That is why Plato uses myths and metaphors in his own dialogues.

The Wicked Witch represents the Evil and Ignorance which thwart us on our journey towards wisdom, and which must be conquered (killed) if we are to achieve Self-knowledge. Dorothy must kill the Witch in order to "become who she is" – just as we all must kill the ghosts that haunt us, or else spend our lives running away from the imaginary fears that control our lives. The other characters are archetypes who accompany Dorothy on her quest to "become who she is".

Dorothy needed to leave home in order to find herself. Having done so, she could return home again, this time as a free woman. The film analyses the tension in the human soul between home and away. The deep yearning to escape home (“somewhere over the rainbow”) but also the yearning to go home again once one is away (“there’s no place like home”). Recall that in Plato's parable of the cave, once people leave the cave and see the sun (i.e. see the truth and attain philosophical liberation) they still need to return to the cave and live there.

Here are some quotes:

Auntie Em: “Find yourself a place where there isn't any trouble!”
Dorothy: “Some place where there isn't any trouble. Do you suppose there is such a place, Toto? There must be. It's not a place you can get to by a boat or a train. It's far, far away. Behind the moon, beyond the rain.”

Scarecrow: “I haven't got a brain... only straw.”
Dorothy: “How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?”
Scarecrow: “I don't know... But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking... don't they?”
Dorothy: “Yes, I guess you're right.”

Coroner: [singing] “As Coroner I must aver, I thoroughly examined her and she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead.”

Wizard of Oz: “Do not arouse the wrath of the great and powerful Oz. I said come back tomorrow. You people should consider yourselves lucky that I'm granting you an audience tomorrow instead of 20 years from now … pay no attention to that man behind the curtain [speaking in a booming voice into microphone] I am the great and powerful... [then, realizing that it is useless to continue his masquerade, moves away from microphone, speaks in a normal voice] Wizard of Oz ... Wizard of Oz.”

Wizard of Oz: “As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.”
Tin Woodsman: “But I still want one.”
Tin Woodsman: [when saying goodbye to Dorothy] “Now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking.”

Tin Woodsman: “What have you learned, Dorothy?”
Dorothy: “Well, I - I think that it - it wasn't enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em - and it's that - if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with! Is that right?”

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Wrong Way Brian!

Readers have asked for more information about my sporting exploits. A while back I got roped into a Stag that involved a game of tag rugby. A gruesome experience. Readers will note that a) I am perfectly attired for the occasion and b) while all the other boys are running towards the ball, I am running as fast as my legs will carry me in the exact opposite direction.

12 Reasons why Irish people voted No to the Lisbon Treaty

Apparently the government is planning to have another vote on the Lisbon Reform Treaty later on in the year. If the referendum is to pass, we need to take into consideration the reasons why people voted No the first time. So I went out and asked people who voted No why they did so. I would ask all people who want a Yes vote to not to resort to bully tactics or scare-mongering, but to listen carefully to what the No voters have to say for themselves. Here is what I found:

• “I’m voting No to Lisbon because Declan Ganley is telling me to vote No. His organisation, Libertas, is supported by American Neocons and British Eurosceptics. These are the kind of people who have always had Ireland’s best interests at heart”.

• “Newspapers like the Sunday Times and the Daily Mail told me to vote No to Lisbon. I like the idea of Ireland doing the bidding of British Europhobic newspapers while they laugh at us behind our backs for being stupid enough to do their dirty work on their behalf”

• “I’m voting No to Lisbon because I’ve had it up to here with Brian Cowen. What has Brian Cowen ever done for me? As we all know, this treaty has nothing to do with Europe, or with Ireland’s future. It’s all about Brian Cowen”.

• “I’m voting No to Lisbon because I haven’t a clue what it’s all about. But whatever it’s about, I’m against it. Nobody is going to pull the wool over my eyes”.

• “I’m voting No because the German Neo-Nazi party welcomed our first No vote Lisbon. If we vote No again it will make them even happier.”

• “I’ll be voting No to Lisbon because I stubbed my toe while getting out of the shower this morning. Does anybody care? No. What are the bureaucrats in Brussels going to do about my toe? Nothing. That’s what.”

• “I’m voting No because I thought the No campaign’s posters were more scary than the Yes campaign’s posters. Even though I’m aware that the No campaign’s posters were a pack of lies, I still admire the way they struck the fear of God into me”.

• “I’m voting No because the angel Gabriel came to me in a dream and told me that Jesus would vote No”.

• “I’m voting No because I’m as thick as a plank, and I resent people who are more knowledgeable than me telling me to vote Yes. I will not be patronised like this, even if it means doing the wrong thing”.

• “I’m voting No because I think it’s in Ireland’s interests to be isolated in Europe and to piss off all our so-called European partners for no reason whatsoever.”

• “I’m voting No because I don’t want my children to be conscripted into a European army. Our so-called European partners know that without Ireland’s crucial military input, the idea of a co-ordinated European defence policy is a non-starter. So the whole thing is an elaborate plot to undermine our cherished neutrality. Was it for this the wild geese spread the grey wing upon every tide? I don’t think so”.

• “I’m voting No because the treaty gives Ireland the exact same number of Commissioners as larger countries such as Germany, France and the UK. Personally, I think Ireland should have more Commissioners than everyone else”.

So there you have it folks. Memo to Yes campaigners: ignore these reasons at your peril.

PS: Reader makes it a Baker's Dozen (see comment) : "I'm voting No to Lisbon because of the Potato Famine".

Kanye West and Nietzsche

I notice that Kanye West’s hit song Stronger contains the following lines: “Th-th-that that don't kill me\ Can only make me stronger\ I need you to hurry up now\ Cause I can't wait much longer”. This is taken from the philosopher Nietzsche’s aphorism: That which does not kill me makes me stronger.

Apparently rapper Kanye West has recently shown signs of megalomania. He has said: “I was forced to change my name to Martin Louis the King Jr. Address me as such”. This is to honour Martin Luther King and Louis Vuitton in one go.

Nietzsche also showed signs of megalomania. His book Ecco Homo has chapters with titles such as “Why I write such excellent books”, “Why I am so Wise” and “Why I am a destiny”. In the book Nietzsche says: “I know my fate. One day my name will be associated with the memory of something tremendous — a crisis without equal on earth. I am no man, I am dynamite”. Nietzsche only sold a couple of hundred books in his life-time. But he predicted that one day he would be a famous writer. He was correct. Today he is possibly the world’s most read and studied philosopher. Nietzsche was known for his striking aphorisms. Here are a few more that Kanye West might like to try and incorporate into his lyrics:

• All actions done from love are done beyond good and evil.

• Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter.

• No victor believes in chance.

• In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

• Fear is the mother of morality.

• It is always consoling to think of suicide: in that way one gets through many a bad night.

• Become who you are.

• Without music, life would be a mistake.

• One must have chaos within oneself, to give birth to a dancing star.

• Regarding life, the wisest men of all ages have judged alike: it is worthless.

• The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions.

• Everyone wants the same, everyone is the same: whoever feels different goes willingly into the madhouse.

• Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings — always darker, emptier, simpler.

• Is not life a hundred times too short for us to bore ourselves?

Ireland wins the rugby – who gives a toss?

I know I don’t. I used to support Liverpool Football Club. One day I said to myself: “Liverpool FC don’t give a damn about me. Why should I give a damn about them?” Until I hear a convincing answer to that question, I won’t be supporting anybody.

I did play a game of rugby once. I was politely put out on the wing. The team captain, sensing my enthusiasm and talent, positioned me carefully on the pitch: “move further towards the sideline Brian, just a bit further, keep going now”. “But if I go any further” I protested “I won’t be on the pitch”. “Exactly” he replied. Despite my attempts to avoid the ball, I got it at one stage, and somebody broke my ankle – an injury which has haunted me every since, and which I hold responsible for cutting short a promising career in rugby.

Morrissey “intrigued”; requests more information about Socrates

MORRISSEY WRITES: “Dear Mr. Barrington, in-between my extended fits of self-pity, self-loathing and ostentatious celibacy, I have been quietly reading your blog on the sly. I am intrigued by the character of Socrates, whom you frequently mention. Would it be possible to give me a bit more information about this enigmatic figure? Yours etc. Morrissey”

BRIAN BARRINGTON, PHILOSOPHICAL COUNSELLOR TO THE STARS, REPLIES: Hi Morrissey, I am very flattered that you have contacted me, as I have been a great fan of your music since my days as a sulky teenager. I enjoyed your recent song “The more you ignore me, the closer I get - you’re wasting your time”.

Socrates lived in Ancient Athens. He never wrote anything. In fact, he never did much of anything at all. He just spent his time wandering the streets of Athens talking to people, and irritating them by asking them questions about why they were doing what they were doing. Eventually, the Athenians got so exasperated with him that they sentenced him to death, and executed him with poison.

Socrates’s main injunction was "Know Thyself". He introduced wisdom as the goal of philosophy i.e. he introduced the notion that to philosophise is to seek knowledge of the human condition. A pre-condition of the search for such knowledge is the awareness that one does not already possess it. Hence, Socratic knowledge of ignorance is the beginning of the philosophical search for wisdom. He said: “I know only that I know nothing”.

The best way to understand Socrates’s philosophical innovations is to compare him with the Greek thinkers who came before him. They can be divided into two broad groups: the pre-Socratic philosophers and the Sophists.

The pre-Socratics were similar to contemporary scientists or analytic philosophers. They pursued knowledge for its own sake, for the pleasure and joy that accompanies the scientific experience of discovering the truth. They had an intellectual curiosity for questions of metaphysics, maths, and science. They were theoretical men - but their curiosity was not directed towards self-knowledge, or knowledge of the human condition.

On the other hand, Sophists did place the human condition at the centre of their investigations. The Sophists were practical men who used their intelligence and rhetorical skills to get on in the world – to acquire money, status, fame, adulation and so on. They tended to be wealthy and conventionally successful. Contemporary examples of Sophists might include lawyers, political spin-doctors, post-modern theorists and so forth. For Greek sophists such as Gorgias and Protagoras, knowledge (particularly knowledge of rhetoric) was a means to an end, and not an end in itself. Rhetoric allows you to manipulate people for your own purposes. So for Sophists knowledge was a means of satisfying the various needs of the body. They pursued knowledge, not for its own sake, but because they understood that knowledge is power and could help them to satisfy their needs. They were wise guys rather than wise men.

Put at its simplest, a pre-Socratic satisfies the needs of the soul or intellect, but not the body; a Sophist satisfies the needs of the body but not the soul. In contrast, Socrates attempts to satisfy the needs of both the body and the soul. He seeks a rational ethics. Socrates attempts to blend what is best in the sophists, with what is best in the purely theoretical men who pursue knowledge for its own sake.

For Socrates the pursuit of knowledge is both and end in itself and a means to an end (the end being wisdom, or rational ethics). He placed self-knowledge at the centre of his quest for truth. Socrates is both a sophist and a scientist, and hence something different from either. Socrates is both theoretical and practical. For Socrates, man is both a body and a soul, a passionate being as well as a rational being.

The great French essayist Montaigne, regarded Socrates as the greatest human being who ever lived. He says:

The advice to every one, "to know themselves," should be of important effect, since that god of wisdom and light [Apollo] caused it to be written on the front of his temple, as comprehending all he had to advise us. Plato says also, that prudence is no other thing than the execution of this ordinance; and Socrates minutely verifies it in Xenophon.

Montaigne also says:

Pythagoras [a pre-Socratic philosopher], they say, followed a philosophy that was all contemplation, Socrates one that was all conduct and action; Plato found a mean betwixt the two; but they only say this for the sake of argument. The true mean is found in Socrates; and, Plato is much more Socratic than Pythagoric, and it becomes him better.

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Sean Fitzpatrick: the genius behind the Celtic Tortoise

SEAN FITZPATRICK WRITES: “I am appalled and disgusted by the way the Irish media is demonising bankers like myself. This behaviour has all the hallmarks of a witch-hunt. When will all this Irish begrudgery and envy end?”

BRIAN BARRINGTON, PHILOSOPHICAL COUNSELLOR TO THE STARS, REPLIES: Like you, I am appalled by the lynch-mob mentality of the media and the ordinary Irish people. So I’m glad to hear that you have not let it get to you, and that after your recent nice holiday in South Africa, you have reportedly returned to Ireland looking refreshed and tanned.

As you said in 2007 “Our wealth-creators should be rewarded and admired, not subjected to levels of scrutiny that known criminals would rightly find offensive”. Admittedly, you said this before 99% of the shareholder wealth of Anglo-Irish Bank was wiped out. But the point still stands.

It’s wealth-creators like you that have been the driving force behind Ireland’s economic success. It was you who worked out this simple scheme: the more Ireland borrows from abroad to buy property in Ireland, the higher property values go up. People then think that they will keep on going up, so they then keep on borrowing to buy them. Entrepreneurial genius! That is how Anglo-Irish Bank made such extraordinary profits over the years. Other Irish banks were then forced to copy that business model, in order to retain market share and match Anglo-Irish Bank’s profits.

Even during talks with the government to organise the bank guarantee to save the collapse of Anglo, you didn’t let your eye for a good business opportunity desert you. Instead, you bought hundreds of thousands of Euro worth of shares in Anglo while the discussions were on-going. Then, when the bank guarantee was announced, bank shares went up, so you sold the shares at a good profit. A brilliant move!

So what went wrong? Personally, I blame the media. As you said yourself in 2006 “Much of the nonsense being peddled by the media could fuel the anger of many of those who have FAILED to benefit from our economic success thus far. The media must be held accountable”. It was the media’s fault.

I also blame the regulators. As you said in 2006 "The increasing burden of corporate McCarthyism and business regulation is threatening the entrepreneurial zeal that has made the Irish economy the envy of the world”. For example, you showed great entrepreneurial zeal over the years when you kept disguising the 80 million Euro loan that Anglo-Irish Bank gave you. The McCarthyite regulators didn’t spot this at the time, but now things have become immeasurably worse – and it seems that our entrepreneurs can’t do anything without some resentful, envious regulator looking over their shoulder.

So I think you deserve every cent of the millions of Euro you made over the years, as well as the 550,000 a year pension that you will now be receiving from Anglo-Irish Bank. Of course, Anglo-Irish Bank has no money, so it has been nationalised. This will mean that your 550,000 Euro pension will be paid for by taxpayers, the ordinary plodders who earn modest incomes and who, as you put it, “failed to benefit from our economic success”. Another entrepreneurial master-stroke on your part.

PS: just when I thought I had got to the bottom of your flare for business, I read today that €4 billion was temporarily lodged with Anglo Irish on September 30th 2008, hours after the State’s bank guarantee was announced, allowing the bank to show a higher level of deposits on its books on the day the auditors assessed the bank’s accounts. A stunning move!

PPS: I have now just read that you were on the board that approved a state agency's decision to buy a €411m development site -- which was funded a month later with a €293m loan from your own bank. It just gets better and better and better ....

What is he the judge of?

Reader loses the plot completely

A READER WRITES: “I think I'm losing the plot. I put a reminder in my phone that went off at the alloted time 11am. The reminder just says 'Elton'. What in the hell does that even mean? Suggestions welcome.”

BRIAN BARRINGTON, PHILOSOPHICAL COUNSELLOR TO THE STARS, REPLIES: According to Saul Bellow (pictured here) “It’s easy enough to see what people think they’re doing. Nor is what they really are up to hard for common sense to make out. The usual repertories of strategems, deceits, personality rackets, ringing the changes of criminal cunning, are hardly worth examining”.

It’s not that difficult to work out what other people think they are up to. But what people think they are up to is rarely what they are actually up to. Working out what another person is actually up to is slightly more difficult than working out what they think they are up to – but the difficulties are not always insurmountable. The real difficulty concerns working out what you yourself our actually up to. In other words, the really difficult thing to attain is self-knowledge. It's much easier to work out other people, than it is to work out ourselves.

So what on earth are you up to? In this case, I don’t even know what you think you are up to, let alone what you are actually up to. You’re all over the place. You’re a complete mess. You’re a mystery. I give up.

On this note I would like to ask readers: what in the name of God am I actually up to writing this blog? What is really going on here? Suggestions welcome.

Brad Pitt: “I can’t control Angelina”

BRAD PITT WRITES: “Angelina is just too much for me. I can’t control her at all at all. I sometimes even feel that I should have stuck with Jennifer Aniston. She was more needy, and I felt like I had some input into the relationship. What can I do to control this maniac? What would the great philosophers have done?”

BRIAN BARRINGTON, PHILOSOPHICAL COUNSELLOR TO THE STARS, REPLIES: Angelina is a formidable woman. But Brad, if you had stayed with Jennifer you would have been bored with her. Overall, I think you did the right thing. You need a woman who will challenge you.

What would the great philosophers have done in your situation? Well, most of them never married, so it’s hard to say. In fact, it’s doubtful if many of them ever even met a woman. However, Socrates did get married to the notorious shrew Xanthippe, whose nagging ways made his life a misery. Here is a conversation recorded about her:

Anisthenes: 'Why don't you train Xanthippe, instead of having a wife who is of all living women – and I believe of all that ever have been or will be – the most difficult to get on with?'

Socrates: 'Because I notice that people who want to become good horsemen keep not the most docile horses but ones that are high-spirited, because they think that if they can control these, they will easily manage any other horses. In the same way, since I wish to deal and associate with people, I have provided myself with this wife, because I am quite sure that, if I can put up with her, I shall find it easy to get on with any other human being.' This explanation was felt to be not far off the mark.

A man asked Socrates whether he would advise him to marry or not. Socrates replied, 'Whichever you do, you will repent it'. Another man said to Socrates that 'The abusive temper of Xanthippe is intolerable'. Socrates rejoined: 'But I am used to it, just as I should be if I were always hearing the noise of a pulley; and you yourself endure to hear geese cackling.'

So regard Angelina as a wild horse who tests your horsemanship skills. Being with Angelina will make you a stronger, wiser person.

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Brian Cowen: “I can’t sleep because of the state of the country”

BRIAN COWEN WRITES: “Dear Brian Barrington, I’m having difficulty sleeping at night. I just don’t know what to do about the state of the country. That fecker Eamon Gilmore is having a field day. Even gormless Enda Kenny is making the most of it. I read your frightening post about Ireland’s external debt ( http://brianbarrington.blogspot.com/2009/02/ireland-and-debt_03.html ). The interest rates we need to pay on debt are going through the roof. I sometimes fear that anti-European Anglo-Saxon speculators are targeting Ireland, and trying to drive us out of the Eurozone. But what can I do?”

BRIAN BARRINGTON, PHILOSOPHICAL COUNSELLOR TO THE STARS, REPLIES: You can’t do anything. You can look like you are doing something. But actually you can’t do anything. However, don’t worry. I predict that, just at the moment when it seems that all is lost, and the country has gone irrevocably bankrupt, a hero will come blazing across the sky and save us all. That hero will go by the name of … Germany. Ireland will be bailed out, possibly along with the other basket-case euro economies (Greece, Italy, Portugal and Spain) by the European Central Bank and the Germans, along with a token contribution from the other 10 or so decent eurozone economies. But this bailout will come at an enormous price – we will need to more-or-less surrender control over our economy and our country to Berlin, Brussels and Frankfurt. The price of the bailout will involve:

• A dramatic increase in Irish taxes, to put us in line with other eurozone countries. Including an end to our low corporation tax. This will put an end to Ireland’s tax-haven status. Henceforth we will actually have to earn money by hard-work, productivity and other traditional methods.

• We will have to hand over control of all our banks to the Germans, and slash the pay of top bankers. There is a danger that our top bankers will respond to these cuts in pay by “taking their talent elsewhere”. For example, for destroying Anglo-Irish Bank, Sean Fitzpatrick got paid millions euro a year, and now he gets a pension of 550,000 euro a year (personally, I would have been prepared to destroy the bank for a mere 200,000 euro a year myself). But there is a danger that people like Sean Fitzpatrick will take their entrepreneurial zeal elsewhere. That will be one of the sacrifices we will have to make for handing over control of our banks to the Germans.

• We will have to decrease public spending. The pay of public servants (as well as professionals like lawyers and doctors) will need to be brought in line with that of other eurozone economies. By my back-of-the-envelope calculation, that will mean a pay-reduction of about 35%.

• We will have to vote Yes to Lisbon. You may recall that last year, in a fit of astounding collective national stupidity, we Irish voted No to Lisbon in order to “teach our European colleagues a lesson” or something of that sort. This kind of adolescent hubris and self-delusion will now become a thing of the past.

Should we be worried about handing over control of our economy to the Germans? Given the mess that we have made of it ourselves, I can personally face this eventuality with equanimity.

Lily Allen: “Fame has not brought me happiness”

LILY ALLEN WRITES: “I read your interview with Paris Hilton and I enjoyed it immensely. I regard myself as a more sophisticated celebrity than Paris Hilton. As a famous person myself, I note that all my fame has not made me happy (I refer you to the semi-ironic lyrics of my new song The Fear). What would the great philosophers have to say about this?”

BRIAN BARRINGTON, PHILOSOPHICAL COUNSELLOR TO THE STARS, REPLIES: Hi Lily. Yes, as one becomes more famous, diminishing returns set in. The famous become trapped in an ever-escalating struggle to achieve more fame. They become addicts. Have you ever met a person who once achieved fame and then lost it? They are the living dead. Nothing in their lives can compensate for the loss of the attention that they once had. Even worse, the currently famous need to engage in a desperate struggle to protect the fame they have, for fear that it will slip away from them. They live in terror, prisoners to their immoderate lust for rewards and honours. Fame is the most fickle of possessions. It can only be truly enjoyed by those who do not need it, since only they do not fear losing it. As the philosopher Spinoza said: “Fame has also this great drawback, that if we pursue it, we must direct our lives so as to please the fancy of men.”

However, the philosopher Hegel used the example of a professor of history who claims that Alexander the Great had a pathological love of fame and power. The professor proves that he himself does not suffer from this pathology, because he himself has not conquered Asia. Hegel says:

Alexander the Great is alleged to have acted from a craving for fame, for conquest; and the proof that these were the impelling motives is that he did that which resulted in fame. What pedagogue has not demonstrated of Alexander the Great - of Julius Caesar - that they were instigated by such passions, and were consequently immoral men, - whence the conclusion immediately follows that he, the pedagogue, is a better man than they, because he has not such passions; a proof of which lies in the fact that he does not conquer Asia.

I think Hegel is making an interesting point here: most human beings would, if given the choice, choose to be famous. The evidence of this is the omnipresence of envy and resentment towards famous people. Those who really believe that the famous have nothing worth possessing will be more likely to feel pity or indifference towards the famous, rather than envy. But, if we observe most humans, we see that they do envy famous and that their attempts to argue that the famous do not possess anything worthwhile are mostly attempts to console themselves for that fact that they have neither the ability nor the good fortune to be famous themselves.

So enjoy your fame while it lasts Lily. If thou didst not want it, then thou wouldst not seek it.

Jordan: “Are my breasts still too big?”

KATIE PRICE WRITES: “No matter how many boob jobs I have, I am still not satisfied with the way I look. It’s so difficult for me. What should I do?”

BRIAN BARRINGTON, PHILOSOPHICAL COUNSELLOR TO THE STARS, REPLIES: On the question of looks – many of my readers have admitted that they are not happy about the way that they look, and that this is a significant source of anxiety and pain in their lives.

The first thing to note is this: nobody is happy with how they look. Everyone has “issues” with their appearance or their physique. So what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Second, being good-looking does not mean you will have a happy life or happy relationships. Some of the most beautiful people I know are some of the most unhappy and the most lonely. Beauty is useless without wisdom.

Third, not being very good-looking is no bar to being happy or to having happy relationships. Some of the happiest people I know, who are in the best relationships, are not very good-looking. This is because they focus on more important things – such as kindness, wit, intelligence and trust. Studies show that when it comes to short-term relationships, people value looks as very important. But when it comes to long-term relationships, there are a lot of things that people believe are more important than looks. Think of the people you know in the happiest, most stable relationships. Are they all hunks and supermodels? Often they are not.

If you look half-way normal at all, then you will be fine. In fact, even if you look like a monster, it should not necessarily cause you too many insurmountable problems. The philosopher Socrates was known to be the ugliest man in Ancient Athens. And yet, according to Xenophon, he was also the happiest man in Ancient Athens. Being ugly can force you to develop other skills and assets. As Gore Vidal once observed: “Any weakness can be turned into a strength, by those who mean to prevail”.

Fourth, good looks are of limited use. Everyone gets old, and their looks fade. If you have not developed other skills and assets, then being good-looking is of no use to you. Eventually EVERYONE has to cope with not being very good-looking.

The media bombards us with images of good-looking people, who are apparently leading glamorous, happy lives. This helps us to forget the above facts, thereby creating terrible anxiety and unhappiness, most of which is unnecessary.