Facebook Stalkers: what can one do?

A READER WRITES: “Dear Mr Barrington, I do understand that you feel the need for a sabbatical. Indeed, I feel in a somewhat similar situation myself. However, unlike you, it is my sanity that needs to soar to higher plains. You see, I am at odds with what to do with a certain Facebook friend. She is my ex-boyfriend's sister. I have attempted – unsuccessfully to remove her as a friend from Facebook twice. On both occasions, she has somehow lured me back. Just this week, I became her friend again. Don't get me wrong. I really like her, but in order to preserve my sanity in the long run, and to help me get over the break-up more swiftly, what is the correct protocol to use in such a delicate social-networking situation? Sincerely”

BB SAYS: Ah, Facebook. What are we going to do about Facebook? Can anything be done about Facebook? The question is an urgent one - one that surely merits a temporary suspension of my Sabbatical. I know some brave people who have refused to join. “I’m not signing up to that thing!” they insist, a little too forcefully. But one by one they fall. I know other people who have desperately tried to close their Facebook profiles … and failed. Try doing it yourself. You’ll be amazed at how difficult it will be, at how many hurdles will be thrown in your path. You think you can leave any time you want to do you? I have heard of a few dogged souls who have actual managed to close their Facebook profiles. But soon someone inevitably says to them: “Did you see the photos of such-and-such a person’s wedding up on Facebook?”. And inexorably they are pulled back in. Facebook is an unavoidable part of human existence. The common cold, taxes, death … and Facebook.

Given that Facebook is unavoidable, the only question that remains is: how to manage it? How many “friends” should one have, for example? Some people engage in a frantic competition to acquire as many “friends” as possible. If someone they know has more “friends” than they do, they panic, and experience pangs of social rejection. "Why does nobody love me?" they wail. Other people sporadically cull their “friends”. I know one person who recently had such a cull – starting with the people he had never heard of. Personally, I think the optimum number of friends is 66, because that is how many friends I have on Facebook myself.

Now, what to do about your particular problem? Do not be friends with this woman if you do not want to. Get rid of her! Do not explain. Do not apologise. If she comes back with yet another invite then just press the “Ignore” button. She will not receive a message saying “X has brutally rejected your kind offer of friendship”. Instead, she will receive nothing, and be left wondering whether you have actually received the invite, or seen the invite. If she sends the invite again, then ignore it again. Be ruthless. Eventually she will give up. Press the “Ignore” button, baby, PRESS IT NOW! Then you will feel you have regained control of your existence. You will feel elated, and free to get on with the next phase of life’s great adventure.